


The Long Game

by suffolkgirl



Series: The Long Game Series [1]
Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, But Lee always has to angst a little, F/M, Parenthood, Romance, almost no angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:35:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 32,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25595122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suffolkgirl/pseuds/suffolkgirl
Summary: Ten years after Zak's death, Lee gets a call from Caprica that turns his life upside down.Set in a Twelve Colonies AU where the Cylons don't attack and the worlds aren't destroyed.
Relationships: Lee "Apollo" Adama/Kara "Starbuck" Thrace
Series: The Long Game Series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2071800
Comments: 16
Kudos: 72





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old story I never finished, so this is the first time it's been posted. Posting my other old BSG stories gave me the push to complete this, and it's been fun having these characters back in my head. If you enjoy this, please let me know.

Karl’s phone rings with a call from Kara’s lawyer. 

“Would you be available for a meeting tomorrow afternoon, Captain Agathon? In view of Captain Thrace’s continued...absence, we need to implement some instructions she left with us, and you are an interested party…” 

Karl agrees to the meeting, a hard ball settling in the pit of his stomach. He looks up to meet Sharon’s concerned eyes.

“You knew this was coming, Karl. It’s been six weeks.”

Six weeks since the major earthquake that had struck Aquaria while Kara was flying a supply plane to a remote outpost. The earthquake had caused widespread damage, communications with the area were still being restored, and there had been no news of Kara, good or bad. 

“It’s not that long.”

“Long enough.”

“I’m not giving up on her yet,” he says, frowning.

“I know.” Sharon puts a hand on his arm. “I’m not either. But life goes on, and arrangements have to be made for Ben. I’m surprised it didn’t come sooner.”

“He’s been staying with a school friend, but I suppose that’s ending now the summer break is here.”

“Did Kara ever talk to you about...?”

“No. But it’ll probably be us or the Old Man.”

“He’d be better with us.” Karl can see Sharon is already calculating how to move things around to fit Ben in. “Other kids to play with, and I’m pretty sure Adama has forgotten whatever he knew about looking after children.”

Karl sighs. He needs to call the guy he knows on Aquaria again, see if there’s any news. “Well...I guess we’ll find out tomorrow.”

\---

Kara’s lawyers’ office in the centre of Caprica City isn’t fancy, but they’re polished and professional. An efficient receptionist whisks Karl through to see the lawyer, and he finds Bill Adama already there. He’s long retired now, but Karl still salutes him out of habit. 

The lawyer, Ms Evans, has sleek black hair and a crisp green suit. She shakes his hand and gestures him to a seat, then offers them coffee, which they both decline.

“I’d rather get straight to business,” says Adama, with his usual briskness. “I assume this is about Ben.”

“Yes, Captain Thrace left a guardianship order to be implemented in this kind of situation.”

At one time it would have been uncharacteristic for Kara to be so organised, but she’s always taken her responsibilities as a mother seriously. Karl was both impressed and unsurprised by how she rose to the challenge of being a parent.

“Let’s hear it then,” says Adama, but the lawyer hesitates.

“There’s another party named in the guardianship order. We need to wait for him to arrive.”

There’s something in her expression that makes Karl uneasy. He looks at Adama enquiringly, but the older man is looking equally blank. 

They wait, Ms Evans tapping at her computer while Karl and Adama exchange small talk, catching up on mutual fleet acquaintances. They carefully don’t talk about Kara.

A buzzer sounds and Ms Evans looks up. “Ah. That should be him now.”

Sure enough, a few minutes later, the office door opens and the receptionist ushers in the new arrival.

It has been nearly a decade since Karl’s seen him, but he recognises Lee Adama at once, even out of uniform. There’s no mistaking those cool blue eyes, or that stiff-backed stride.

Lee shakes Ms Evans’ hand and then looks across at his father, his face a perfect composed mask. 

The Old Man obviously didn’t know he was coming. Karl looks from Lee’s smooth face to Adama’s simmering one, and feels the ground slide away beneath his feet. 

_ What have you dragged me into, Kara? _

“Sorry I’m late,” Lee says to the lawyer. “My shuttle was delayed.”

_ Shuttle from where? _ Karl wonders. He knows Lee didn’t move back to Caprica after he left the fleet, but he has no idea which planet he ended up on. Even that little information came from the fleet grapevine; he hasn’t heard the Old Man or Kara so much as mention Lee’s name in years.

“That’s fine Mr Adama, thank you for coming,” says Ms Evans. “Please take a seat.”

Lee surveys the options and takes the chair next to Karl, nodding at him. “Good to see you, Agathon.”

Karl murmurs a pleasant reply - he and Lee often hung out together when Kara was dating Zak, even if they’d never been close - but he’s drowned by Adama’s voice, heavy as a hatch dropping.

“What are you doing here, Lee?”

Not a flicker of reaction crosses Lee’s calm face. 

“Hello to you too, Dad.” He puts the briefcase he carries down on the floor beside him, and turns to look at the lawyer expectantly.

Ms Evans glances from one Adama to the other, obviously uneasy at the tension suddenly crackling in the room. “As I said earlier, Mr Adama is also named in the guardianship order.”

“Why would he be?” Adama looks as if he can’t believe his ears. “He hasn’t even set foot on Caprica in ten years!”

The lawyer pauses, obviously unsure how to answer. Karl doesn’t blame her. For a moment there, Adama was every inch the battlestar commander again.

“Perhaps you should read the guardianship document.” Lee’s smooth voice slides into the silence. He appears completely unaware of his father’s hard eyes boring into his face.

Ms Evans seizes gratefully on the prompt. “That’s probably the best way to explain this. Briefly, Captain Thrace left instructions regarding the care of her son, Benjamin Thrace, in the event of her...absence or inability to care for him. She named a guardian to have primary care and legal responsibility for the child, and two trustees, who have guaranteed visitation with the child, and the right to oversee his welfare.” 

She pauses to take a sip of water, and Karl sighs inwardly. If Kara has named him Ben’s guardian, which seems likely, he is going to be caught in the middle of an Adama family storm, and that is not a place he wants to be. He curses his absent friend, and then feels guilty.

Adama’s voice flares into the silence. “Why the hell is my son a trustee? He’s never met the boy. He may be family, but-”

“He’s not a trustee.” Ms Evans is looking pale, but her voice is firm enough. “Commander Adama, you and Captain Agathon are the trustees. Mr Adama is the designated legal guardian.”

Adama almost chokes. He turns an alarming colour, and Karl hopes he doesn’t have any heart problems.

“That can’t be right. Kara would never have...” 

“I assure you, the document was drawn up and signed by Captain Thrace personally.”

“Then she can’t have been thinking straight!” Adama slaps his hand down on the arm of his chair. “I’ll challenge this. I’m the boy’s grandfather, I should be his guardian.”

“You’d better tell him the rest of it.” Lee speaks into the awkward silence, every word precise and perfectly formed. “Tell him why he won’t be able to challenge the order.”

“Oh, I can challenge it! And I will, believe me.” Adama glares at his son.

After a moment, Lee turns his head to look at him, but not a muscle moves in his face. The control would be impressive, Karl thinks, if it wasn’t quite so unnerving.

“There would be no point, Commander Adama,” says Ms Evans, watching the older man warily. “Grandparents have rights, yes, but they don’t trump parental rights.”

Karl snaps his head round to stare at the lawyer, his stomach dropping. 

“Parental rights?”

“The guardianship document names Mr Adama as Benjamin Thrace’s biological father.”

For a moment all the air seems to have been sucked out of the room. Karl looks from the commander’s stunned face to Lee’s careful blankness, shocked understanding crashing through his mind. 

“It’s a lie.” Adama’s voice is barely a whisper.

“Captain Thrace also named Mr Leland Adama as the father on Benjamin’s birth certificate, nine years ago. Official paternity was withheld pending confirmation, but when we contacted Mr Adama last month he provided a DNA sample, and that has now been verified.”

“It can’t be.” Adama sounds utterly devastated. “Zak was the boy’s father. Kara said-”

Lee clears his throat. “If I know Kara, all she said to you was that Ben was your grandson, and you assumed the rest.”

Karl can see from the expression on Adama’s face that Lee’s right...and now that he thinks about it, she did exactly the same thing with him. He can’t remember her ever saying outright that Zak was Ben’s father, he’d just assumed from the timing…

He can see Adama is making the same calculations.

“Lee...if this is true…”

“It’s true.” Lee nods towards the lawyer. “You heard her. DNA confirmation.”

“Then...it must mean…” Adama gets slowly to his feet. He struggles for words, suddenly looking every one of his years. “You and Kara...while Zak was still alive…”

“No.” For the first time there is a flicker of emotion in Lee’s voice. “It never happened while Zak was alive.” He stands up to face his father directly. “Only once, after he died. The last day I saw Kara. Or you.”

Karl knows exactly which day that was, and so does Adama. Fury explodes across his face. He takes two steps forward, his fist lashing out, and punches Lee dead on the jaw.

Lee’s head rolls back in a way that tells Karl he’d been expecting the blow. Ms Evans jumps to her feet, words of indignation pouring out, but Karl doesn’t think either man hears her.

Lee lifts a hand and rubs his jaw. He looks at his father, eyes cold and clear.

“That make you feel better, Dad?”

The rage on Adama’s face sets and hardens. “What do you think you’re doing here, Lee? Taking on a boy you’ve never even met...it’s madness. What the hell do you know about being a father?”

For a moment a spark flares in Lee’s eyes. “If only we could ask Zak about that one.” 

That makes Adama clench his fist again, and Lee’s face tightens in warning. “I wouldn’t recommend it, Dad. I gave you one free shot, but that’s it. I’m going to be looking after your grandson now, we should try to be civil.”

The look on Adama’s face should have crushed Lee into powder. 

“You are not going to keep me from seeing my grandson.”

“Of course not.” Lee’s back to that bland tone. “It’s court ordered. You can see him as much as you want...but I’m afraid it’s going to mean that you have to see me as well.”

For a long moment their eyes hold, molten fury splashing against frozen contempt. Then Adama pushes roughly past his son and leaves the room, slamming the door behind him.

\---

Karl takes a long breath. He hears Lee apologising to the lawyer and talking about signing papers.

He needs to get out of here for a moment, clear his head.

“Lee,” he says. The other man breaks off his conversation and turns. His composure is still firmly in place. If not for the spreading bruise on Lee’s jaw, Karl might think he’d imagined the whole confrontation.

“Do you have time to talk, when you’ve finished here? We could grab a drink.”

For a moment he thinks Lee is going to brush him off, but then his forehead wrinkles, and he nods.

“Why not.” He turns back to Ms Evans. “How long will this take?”

“Ten minutes.”

Karl nods. “I’ll wait in reception.”

He slumps down onto the uncomfortable armchair in the reception area, and tries to settle his whirling brain.

_ Lee _ is Ben’s father.

_ Why didn’t Kara tell me? _

He feels a sudden surge of fury towards his absent friend. He’s always been there for her and Ben, all these years, and she never said a word…

Then he tries to envisage that conversation, and his anger starts to slip away, because it’s nearly impossible. How can you tell anyone, even your closest friend, something like that? That you slept with your dead fiance’s brother on the day of his funeral?

You can’t, because it’s too frakked up. Even for Kara Thrace, it’s too frakked up. He doesn’t blame her for keeping quiet.

He looks at the closed office door, thinking that if it’s frakked up for Kara Thrace, it’s monumentally frakked up for straight arrow Lee Adama. If it wasn’t for the DNA test, and for the fact that Lee admitted it back there, he wouldn’t believe it.

Obviously there are occasions where the guy loosens that scary self-control. Though when he thinks about it, there has always been tension bubbling below Lee’s quiet surface; his control wasn’t quite as practised back then, and Karl remembers seeing him flare up a few times. But still...he leans his head back against the chair, wishing he hadn’t been dragged into any of this.

\---

There’s a cafe on the ground floor of the office building. Lee orders a coffee, but Karl goes straight for a beer. It’s definitely that kind of day. 

“So, did you know about Ben?”

Lee raises his eyebrows at the bluntness, but he answers. “I had no idea he even existed until Ms Evans called about the guardianship and the DNA test.” He lifts his coffee cup, mouth twisting. “It’s been an interesting three weeks.”

He says it with as much emotion as if he was talking about having a tight deadline at work. 

“So what are you doing, now you’re in civvie street?” Karl looks at the well cut suit and crisply ironed shirt, and reflects that Lee seems to have swapped one type of uniform for another.

“Oh, I’m a lawyer too.”

Not what Karl had expected, but he’s not quite sure why. “Criminal law?”

“Environmental. There’s plenty of call for it on Aerilon. All that mass farming causes a lot of damage.”

“Aerilon? That’s where you’re based now? Big difference from Caprica.”

Lee shrugs. “I like it there. I needed a change of pace, after Zak…” He trails off, his eyes flickering, and takes a swallow of his coffee.

Karl clears his throat carefully. “Are you planning to take Ben back to Aerilon then?”

Lee puts down his cup. “Karl. I may not be the worlds’ greatest expert on kids, but even I know better than to suddenly take a young boy, whose mother has gone missing, away from everything and everyone he knows.” The hard points of his eyes bore into Karl’s face until Karl flushes and looks away.

“Sorry.”

“The lawyer said he’s staying with a school friend’s family at the moment.”

“Yes. Kara always arranges for him to stay with them when she has a job off planet. But it’s usually only a few days, and…”

“And it’s been weeks now. I’ve got the keys to Kara’s place, so I’ll stay there with him until things are...more settled.” Lee looks at Karl with a hint of uncertainty for the first time. “Karl...what’s the real deal with Kara’s situation? I figure if anyone knows, you will.”

Karl sighs. “I wish I did. Hell, Lee, you must have seen the news, you know what kind of a mess it is out there since the earthquake. That region of Aquaria is remote at the best of times, and now…”

Lee’s silent, but something in his face compels Karl to say more. “The outpost Kara was delivering supplies to was in one of the areas near the centre of the quake that’s still cut off. Communications haven’t been re-established.”

“Even to a Fleet outpost?”

“It wasn’t a Fleet job. Kara’s still in the reserve, but she mostly freelances now.” 

Lee’s forehead creases. “So is anyone looking for her?”

“The authorities on Aquaria are, I made sure they had her flight plan. They haven’t found her plane. She may have crashed. She may have landed before the earthquake hit, and been caught up in the shockwave.” He rubs his hands through his hair. “She may...be dead. She may be injured. She could be safe and sound holed up somewhere, unable to make contact.”

“This is Kara we’re talking about. I know which one I’d bet on.” Lee lifts his cup again, and for a moment Karl sees his hand tremble.

“I’m not giving up on her yet,” he says, meeting Lee’s eyes.

Lee nods firmly. “Me neither. So I’ll wait, and see what happens.”

Karl sips his beer, feeling obscurely comforted that Lee shares his faith in Kara. 

“Are you able to stay away from Aerilon for long?”

“Work gave me a sabbatical. I cited family reasons.” Lee’s mouth curves with sardonic amusement.

“No, I meant...do you have family there yourself? Other commitments?” He glances at Lee’s left hand, and sees it’s bare.

Lee sees the look. “No. Nearly happened once, but it didn’t work out. Because I didn’t want kids, ironically enough.” His smile stretches to breaking.

“Lee.” Karl feels compelled to give him an out. “You don’t have to do this. Sharon and I would be happy to look after Ben.”

“Yes, I do.” Lee’s mouth sets hard. “Look, Karl, I would never have chosen to be a father, but now I find it’s already chosen me, I’m not going to walk away. I owe the kid that, and...and I owe it to Kara.” 

The coffee cup in his hand shakes, and Lee puts it down abruptly. 

“She chose me to look after him, Karl. She could have chosen you, or my dad, but she chose me. She wanted me to take care of him if she wasn’t able to. She acknowledged me on the birth certificate. I can’t let her down. I won’t.”

For the first time that day, Karl feels that he’s seeing the real Lee, rather than a carefully constructed presentation of him.

He responds in kind. “I know you won’t. But if you need help, call me.”

“Thank you.” It’s a much more genuine smile this time. “In fact...will you come with me, when I go to meet him? It’s going to be a lot for him to take in, and I’m sure it would help to have a familiar face there.”

“Of course.” Karl raises his eyebrows. “I thought you said you didn’t know much about kids?”

“I did pretty much raise Zak, whatever my parents like to think. I know some.” He pauses, and then almost forces out his next words. “Do you know what Kara’s said to him...about his father?”

Karl shakes his head. “But if she was so careful not to specifically tell me or the Old Man that Zak was his father, I doubt she told Ben that. Knowing Kara, she probably said as little as possible.”

Lee snorts. “Sounds about right. What’s he like?”

“He’s a good kid. Looks a lot like Kara, has her grin. Has her energy too. Talks a lot. Likes to know everything. Loves pyramid. Machines too, he likes helping out in my workshop. You’ll like him.”

Lee smiles tightly. “I’m sure I will. That’s not what worries me.”


	2. Part One

When they arrive at the house where Ben has been staying, Lee waits in the kitchen, while Karl goes into the living room to talk to the boy and prepare the ground.

The boy. Ben. His son. 

The idea still seems impossible.

Louise, the mother of Ben’s school friend, offers him a coffee, which he declines, and doesn't try to make conversation, much to his relief. Maybe she knows enough of the situation to realise that he’s in no state to attend to anything but what awaits him on the other side of that closed door.

Lee wants to run. Every muscle in his body tenses with the urge to spring up and walk out of this house.

Only the words he said to Karl back at the cafe hold him in place. 

_ I can’t let Kara down. _

It seems both far too long and far too soon when Karl comes back into the kitchen.

“He’s ready to see you now, Lee. I’ve explained who you are.” His face holds a mixture of concern and pity that makes Lee fold into himself like a tortoise retreating into its shell.

Lee stares at the half open doorway, heart thumping like a piston and mouth dry as sandpaper. Then he forces himself to stand and walk through it, closing the door behind him.

The boy is sitting at a table near the window, a sketch pad and pencil forgotten in front of him. 

He hears Lee’s footsteps and turns to look, and at the sight of his face, Lee loses what breath he still had.

No doubt whose son this is. The boy has Kara’s unruly crop of fair hair. He has her wide expressive mouth. He has her eyes, shifting between green and hazel, with that sense of vital energy simmering below the surface. Lee suddenly misses her so acutely that it physically hurts.

He can see nothing of himself in this boy at all.

He waits for the boy - for  _ Ben _ \- to speak, but he doesn’t. He stares at Lee, a crease appearing across the middle of his forehead.

Lee reminds himself that he’s the adult here. He needs to take the lead. He moves forward, pulling out the chair next to Ben and sitting down.

“Hi Ben. My name’s Lee. Did...did Karl explain who I am?”

A nod. Ben is staring at him with unsettling intensity. “He said you’re my dad.”

It winds Lee for a moment, to hear the words aloud.

“That’s right,” he says, making himself confirm it. “I’m your dad.”

A long silence, and then Ben nods, with a look of satisfaction.

“I knew you weren’t dead.”

Lee blinks. “Who said I was dead?”

“Grandpa. He said you died in an accident, but I didn’t believe him. So I asked Mom.”

“And what did she say?”

“She said you weren’t dead, but you didn’t live on Caprica any more. She said she hadn’t seen you for a long time, and she didn’t know when you’d come back.”

It takes Lee several moments to clear his throat. “Well, now I’ve come back. Your mother…” It feels so strange to be referring to Kara as somebody’s mother. “Your mother left a message asking me to look after you while she’s away. If that would be all right with you?”

Ben looks him over carefully, and Lee finds it hard to keep still under the serious assessment of those hazel eyes.

“Where would we go?”

“To your house. I thought we’d stay there together.” Lee pauses to give Ben time to take in the suggestion. “Only if you want to. Karl says you can go and stay with him and Sharon if you’d rather do that.”

Another long appraisal. 

“I’ve always wanted to meet you,” says Ben finally. He swallows, looking nervous. “Did you want to meet me?”

The question knocks Lee off balance. He struggles for a way to gloss over the truth, but something in Ben’s expression stops him, pushes him in another direction.

“I didn’t know about you. But if I had, I would have come to meet you earlier.” 

He’s not sure if that’s true, but he wants it to be. It seems to be enough, because Ben smiles.

It’s Kara’s smile, with that edge of mischief that draws you into warmth. Lee has to close his eyes for a moment.

“How long are you going to stay?”

Another difficult question, but this time Lee knows the answer.

“As long as you need me.”

“Until Mom comes back?” For the first time, the boy’s voice trembles, and Lee can see he’s blinking back tears.

“Definitely.”

“She will come back, won’t she?” Again, there’s something in Ben’s face that makes Lee reject a comforting lie.

“I hope so. If anyone can come through an earthquake, it’s your mom.” He tentatively puts out a hand to rest on Ben’s arm, and his relief when the boy doesn’t pull away is almost dizzying.

Lee searches for a distraction, and looks down at the sketchpad. 

“What are you drawing? Oh, it’s a beetle.” The detail is impressive. It must have taken a lot of time and effort to produce. “It’s very good. Did you draw a real beetle?”

“From a picture in a book. The real one wouldn’t stay still.”

“Do you like insects?”

“They’re interesting. Did you know carpet beetles take three years to grow from an egg to adult, but then they only live as adults for about a month? I don’t think that’s very fair.”

“No, I didn’t know that. You’re right, insects are interesting. I remember I spent a long time building an insect hotel one summer in our garden when I was a kid.”

“What kind of insects lived in it?”

“Earwigs mostly. Some ladybirds. The odd wasp, which my mother wasn’t keen on.”

“I’d like to build one of those.” The frown reappears across Ben’s forehead. “Maybe...we could build one together? While you’re here?” 

“I’d like that.” Lee smiles, and warmth fills his chest when Ben smiles back. “Does that mean you want to come home with me? Instead of going to Karl’s?”

Another long considering stare. Lee feels as if he’s being assessed and judged against some internal measure.

“I think so,” says Ben eventually. “Do you know how to make pancakes?”

“I do,” says Lee, trying to keep his voice steady. “It’s my favourite breakfast.”

“Mine too. Mom likes waffles better. Maybe I get liking pancakes from you.” Ben sounds casual, but the look he shoots towards Lee isn’t.

“You probably do.” He barely keeps his voice from cracking. “I’ll come and collect you tomorrow, and you can try out my pancakes when we get home. Okay?”

“Okay.”

\---

Lee parks the car he rented outside the address Karl gave him. Kara’s house.

He can’t see much of it in the dark, only a box of brick and wood like all the others lining this quiet street. 

He turns off the engine and moves his hand to open the door, only for his head to fall back against the seat as exhaustion suddenly swamps him. Did he really only arrive on Caprica this morning? It seems a lifetime…

Suddenly, everything crashes down him like a tidal wave. Three weeks ago, he was trundling contentedly through his normal routine, and then Kara’s lawyer called...and told him that he has a son. 

And Kara is missing and he may never get the chance to tell her he’s sorry for everything and he has a son and his father knows about the awful mistake they made on the night of Zak’s funeral and he has a son and his mother is probably circling like a shark in the water and he has a son and his father punched him with disgust in his eyes and he has a son and he may never see Kara’s smile or hear her voice again ever...and he has a son.

The urge to run comes back again. He wants to start the car and drive to the spaceport and get on the first shuttle back to Aerilon. Run from everything he can’t deal with, the way he did ten years ago.

It worked then. It worked for a long time. He rarely thought...rarely  _ allowed _ himself to think...of Kara, or his dad. Then the lawyer called, and everything he ran from on Caprica is still there, waiting to suck him back down.

He has a son.

He can’t run this time.

Not now he’s met Ben. Not now he’s seen him with his own eyes, felt an emotion deeper and more instinctive than anything he’s ever known before unfurl and blossom irrevocably inside him. Not now he can picture Ben’s smile, hear his voice. 

_ I always wanted to meet you. Did you want to meet me? _

He thumps the back of his head against the seat.

_ Gods, Kara. Why didn’t you tell me? _

But he knows. He knows why. After that last awful day...the terrible things they said...if their positions had been reversed, he wouldn’t have told her, either.

_ If that turns out to be the last time I ever see her, I don’t think I can bear it. _

He closes his eyes.

_ Godsdamnit, Lee. Get out of the car. _

\---

He steps inside the front door cautiously, feeling like an intruder, even though he knows the house is empty.

It’s a compact, functional house. Kitchen-diner at the back, with patio doors leading out to a garden shrouded in darkness. He opens the fridge, which is covered with more detailed insect drawings, and quickly closes it again, making a note to clean it and buy groceries in the morning. 

He walks through to the lounge, surprised by how relatively tidy both it and the kitchen are. Sure, there’s clutter, magazines and letters and action figures lying on the coffee table, discarded jackets draped over the back of the sofa, but it’s nothing like the chaotic jumble he remembers from Kara’s old flat, which always set his teeth on edge with an almost uncontrollable urge to scrub it clean and organise it. Still, you can’t exactly live that way with a child. 

He switches on the standard lamp next to the sofa, and stops, looking round at the walls with an unconscious smile. Kara’s paintings. Some he recognises from before, others are new. He’s glad she still paints. He doesn’t claim to know much about art, but he always liked her paintings. They always jumped out of the frame, grabbed him and drew him in.

There are more paintings hung along the staircase, which leads up to a bathroom and three bedrooms. The first door he opens is clearly Ben’s room. He notes that the bedcovers are decorated with planes, and the walls covered with pyramid posters. Kara’s made sure he follows the Panthers then. Looks like Karl was spot on in summarising the boy’s interests, although he hadn’t mentioned the insects. Maybe it’s a new thing.

The next room has a desk along one wall, covered with paperwork, and a pull-out bed along the other. Lee puts down his small suitcase on the bed, visits the bathroom, and then heads back downstairs without opening the last bedroom door. It feels too much like prying to go into Kara’s personal space.

He slumps on the sofa, and tries not to listen to all the thoughts clamouring in his head. Maybe watching TV will distract him. He hunts for the remote, and finds it on a cabinet in front of a digital photo frame.

The image showing in the frame is a recent shot of Kara and Ben, eating ice cream and laughing. Her face is warm and relaxed, without the hint of a shadow in her eyes, so different from the last time he saw her. She’s healed then, at least externally, at least partially. He’s glad of that.

He picks up the photo frame and sits down on the sofa, wondering what other pictures are stored in it. He knows he shouldn’t look, but he can’t stop himself.

The first photo shows Kara holding a very small baby, looking down at him with a mixture of tenderness and disbelief. Lee takes a long, shuddering breath, and moves on to the next. Ben is bigger in this one, lying on a blanket. Then sitting in a high chair, every inch of him smeared with mushy food. Crawling across the floor with a determined frown. Holding Kara’s hand on unsteady legs. Sitting in a swing, mouth wide with laughter. Chasing a bird in the park. Looking excited and nervous in a brand new school uniform. Receiving an award at an assembly. Playing pyramid with Karl. Wearing some kind of costume - he can’t figure out what it’s supposed to be - for a school play. Curled up in a blanket with Sharon, toasting marshmallows over a fire. There are even a few of Ben with his grandfather. Eating hotdogs, sitting on a bench on a sunny day. In the snow, sitting on a sledge his dad is pulling.

Lee realises his face is wet, and swipes angrily at his eyes. He knows he should put the photo frame back. Should go upstairs, take a shower, get some sleep.

He doesn’t. He sits scrolling through the photos until the sun comes up.

\---

Picking up Ben the next morning feels like a combination of his final school exams, his first viper flight and his first day leading a case in court all rolled into one.

He thanks Louise and her family, walks out of their front gate, watches Ben get into his car, and realises this is it.

_ I’m responsible for him now. I’ve got to look after him, take care of him, it’s all on me… _

He’s sliding into panic when Ben picks up the parcel lying on the passenger seat. “What’s this?”

“I...wanted to get you something.” 

_ As I’ve missed nine years of birthday and solstice presents. _

Ben tears open the paper. “It’s a book.”

“Two books.” One about pyramid, and another about planes.

“Thanks, they’re great.” Ben smiles, but it seems too polite to Lee.

“You sure? If you’ve read them before then say, I can exchange them.”

“I haven’t read them. They’re great.” Ben smiles again, more widely. “Are we going to have pancakes when we get home?”

“Of course. I promised.”

They don’t talk much on the drive. Lee isn’t sure what to say, and Ben seems content to sit and watch the traffic.

Back at Kara’s house, Lee carries Ben’s bag up to his bedroom.

“I expect you’ll be glad to be sleeping back in your own bed.” He puts down the bag and turns, and his breath catches at the look on Ben’s face.

“What is it?”

“Nothing.”

Lee sits down on the bed so that their eyes are level.

“I can tell it’s not nothing.” He studies Ben’s face, and makes a guess. “Is it...being back here without your mom?”

Ben nods, and Lee can see the tears in his eyes. Part of him wants to reach out and pull the boy into a hug, but another part feels it would be a step too far. He’s still a stranger, after all.

He compromises by putting a hand on Ben’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Ben. I know it must be tough.” 

_ Gods, I’m so bad at this. _

Ben is silent for a moment, staring at him. 

“Can we have pancakes now?”

“Of course.” Lee squeezes Ben’s shoulder gently, and stands up. “I didn’t know what sauces you liked, so I got plenty of choice.”

\---

Lee’s pancakes are a success, judging from the amount Ben manages to put away. The drawings on the fridge give Lee inspiration on how to fill the silence. He asks Ben about them, and is soon listening to a detailed explanation of how bees make honey, and how they choose where to build their hive, and which flowers are the best for attracting bees.

It gets them through the meal. Lee clears up while Ben goes to unpack, and racks his brain for ideas of how to fill the rest of the day. What do nine year old boys want to do?

_ Why don’t you just ask him? _ A little voice in his head mocks.  _ He won’t bite. _

He does ask, but it doesn’t help, because Ben shrugs and says, “I don’t mind.”

Lee looks out at the sunshine, clutching at straws. “It’s a nice day. We could go for a walk. Is there a park nearby?”

“Yeah. The one on Maple Street has a cool zipwire.”

“Then let’s go.” 

They walk to the park, Lee carrying a pyramid ball he picked up in the hall.

“So what job do you do?” asks Ben, as they wait to cross the road. “Are you in the Fleet like Grandpa was?”

“No. I used to be. I used to be a pilot, like your mom.”

“Why did you leave? Didn’t you like it?”

“I liked flying.” Lee feels a pang in his chest. Ridiculous how much he still misses flying vipers, even after all these years. He has a civilian pilot licence, goes up at his local airfield whenever he can, but it’s not the same. “The Fleet wasn’t a good fit for me really though. I gave it a try to please my dad, but I realised it wasn’t what I wanted to do.”

“So what did you do instead?”

“I’m a lawyer.”

“A lawyer? So you put bad guys in prison?”

Lee grins. “Kind of. Although the bad guys are companies that pollute rivers and destroy habitats, and they usually get fined rather than put in prison.”

“We did a project in school last term about the rainforests being cut down on Scorpia, and the animals didn’t have homes any more.”

“We have similar problems on Aerilon. There was a case I had last year where a farming company had dumped pesticides in a lake where some rare waterbirds lived…”

He tells the story, and is surprised to realise they’ve arrived at the park.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bore you.” He kicks himself internally. He might not be used to talking to kids, but rambling about his cases...how clueless can he be?

Ben shrugs, scraping his foot along the ground. “I wasn’t bored. Animals are interesting. Did you know that there are more different types of insects in one forest on Virgon than in the whole planet of Canceron?”

“That’s because there aren’t many forests left on Canceron. So where’s this zipwire?”

Ben was right, the zipwire is cool. It’s built on a steep slope, and Lee can’t resist going on it too. When Ben tires of the rush of swooping through the air, Lee sees there’s a pyramid court nearby. They start a game, but after ten minutes or so, Ben is frowning.

“Are you letting me score?”

“No.”

“Yes, you are.” Ben scowls, his eyebrows drawing together. “I’m not a baby, you know.”

“I’m not letting you...look, Ben. When you usually play with a grown-up, it’s Ka...your mom, isn’t it. Or Karl.”

“Yeah…”

“Well, they’re both good at playing pyramid. I’m not.” Lee grins ruefully. “This must be the first time I’ve played in...at least twelve years.”

Ben’s face doesn’t clear as he expected. Instead, he flushes and looks awkward. “Oh. If you hate it that much, I don’t want to make you-”

Lee rushes to fix his mistake, cursing himself. “I don’t hate it. It’s just...never been my thing. Not like your mom. She’s amazing at pyramid.”

“She is good.” Ben’s smile peeps back out. “At my school fair, she does a ‘beat the coach’ game where people pay to try to get a ball past her and win a prize.”

Lee grins, warmth flooding through him as he imagines it. He can almost see the cocky grin on her face. “She’s a coach?”

“She coaches my school pyramid team.”

It sounds odd to Lee - Kara Thrace coaching little kids in pyramid - but in a completely contradictory way, it doesn’t surprise him at all. There’s always been so much more to Kara than the tough Starbuck persona she used to present to the world.

“I guess you didn’t play pyramid at school then,” says Ben, and there’s a hint of cheekiness in his smile that raises Lee’s spirits. Maybe he’s not doing as badly at talking to his son as he thinks he is. 

“No, but my brother did.”

“It must have been nice.” Ben bounces the ball a few times. “Having a brother.”

“It was.”

“Who was the oldest?”

“Me. Three years older. I used to grumble about having to take him everywhere, but I didn’t mind really.” Lee smiles reminiscently. It’s such a relief, to be able to talk about Zak now. For years he couldn’t even bear to mention his brother’s name, until one of his friends had bullied him into seeing a grief counsellor.

“Where did you use to take him? The park?”

“Sometimes. He liked going to the arcade; we had a running battle trying to knock each other off the top spot in all the games. And we went to the pool most days, he loved swimming.”

Ben’s eyes light up. “I love swimming too. I haven’t been for ages, my friend Jack, the one I was staying with, he doesn’t like it. Can you take me to the pool?”

“Of course.” Lee seizes on the suggestion with relief. His swimming is much less rusty than his pyramid skills. “We can go tomorrow.”

They head home, and Lee finds himself telling Ben more stories about Zak, the jokes he used to play, the scrapes he used to get into. It’s a long time since he spoke about any of this, he’s surprised he still remembers it all. Maybe it’s being back on Caprica, where they grew up. Zak feels so much closer to him here.

Back at the house, Lee makes omelettes for dinner. Ben says tomato and mushroom is fine, but Lee notices he leaves all the mushrooms on the side of his plate. After dinner, Lee flicks through the TV channels and finds a Panthers game is on, and asks Ben if he wants to watch it. They do, although Ben seems a little restless, and when it finishes Lee looks at the clock and realises with relief that it’s Ben’s bedtime. He asks Ben if he wants a bedtime story, which reaps a look of scorn and a mutter of “I’m not a baby. I can read on my own.”

Still, overall the day has gone better than Lee expected. 

First day alone together, and they’ve both survived.

\---

The next day, they spend the morning at the pool, as promised. Lee swims regularly, but still finds swimming with Ben a reasonable workout. Ben is a surprisingly good swimmer, although his front crawl needs work - Lee gives him a few tips - and much faster than Lee was expecting.

To fill the afternoon, Lee suggests going to the cinema. He checked for films the previous evening and found one based on a kids’ book so well known even Lee’s heard of it. He thinks that it’s a safe bet that Ben will have read it.

He has, although that turns out to be a mixed blessing, as the film is apparently a very loose adaptation of the book. Lee discovers this over a shared bowl of pasta in a nearby cafe afterwards, as Ben explains to him at length what changes were made, why they didn’t work, and why the book is infinitely superior. Lee notices that Ben doesn’t eat much of the pasta, and feels a little worried, so he makes Ben a toasted cheese sandwich for supper when they get home, and is relieved that Ben wolfs it down.

After Ben has gone to bed, Lee notices that the two books he bought are still sitting on the hall table, untouched. He frowns.

He sits on the sofa for a while, thinking back over the last two days. It’s late when he goes to bed.

\---

The next day, he takes Ben to a bookshop, and tells him to choose a book.

Ben looks confused. “You already bought me two books.”

“I know. About pyramid and planes. But you aren’t interested in reading either of them, are you?” Lee watches Ben struggle between politeness and honesty, and grins. “Ben, don’t worry. It’s fine. Now go and pick something else.”

He waits ten minutes, and then finds Ben deliberating between an illustrated dictionary of insects, and one of marine life, and insists on buying him both.

“Shall we get lunch?” says Lee, carefully casual, as they leave the shop. “Pasta again?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

Lee stops and turns to look at him. “You didn’t want that pasta yesterday, and I don’t think your opinion’s changed today.” He keeps his tone light, he doesn’t want to make Ben feel like he’s in trouble. “Let’s try again, and this time, tell me where you really want to go.”

They end up in a noodle bar, and this time Ben clears his plate. It takes a long while, because he’s busy reading about seahorses and relaying all the facts to Lee. 

When he finally pauses for breath, Lee seizes the opportunity. 

“Ben.”

The serious tone makes the boy look up from his book. “What?”

“Can we make a deal, you and I?”

“What kind of deal?” Ben looks suspicious.

“When I ask you what you want...about anything...you tell me the truth. Even if it’s something you don’t think I want to hear.”

Silence. Ben shifts uncomfortably in his chair. 

“I don’t  _ dislike  _ pasta,” he mutters, staring at his plate. “Or books about planes or pyramid.”

“I know.” Lee searches for the words to explain what he means, in a way Ben will understand. “And...and it’s okay sometimes to go along with things you don’t dislike to please other people. But if you do that all the time, then after a while, you forget what you really like, and you lose a bit of yourself. And when that happens, it can be hard to get it back, and find yourself again.” He looks at Ben’s wide eyes and shakes himself mentally. “Sorry, Ben, I’m rambling. Making no sense.”

Ben is wearing a frown which Lee is starting to realise means that he is thinking hard about something. “No, I kind of get what you mean.”

“What I mean is...I’m getting to know you, and I want to get to know the real you. So I want you to be honest with me.” Lee holds out his hand. “So, do we have a deal?”

“Yes.” Ben shakes it, and smiles.

\---

That evening, Lee tells Ben to choose a TV programme he actually wants to see, and they watch three episodes of Deadly Creatures of the Twelve Colonies.

The next day, Ben wants to start building the insect hotel, so they spend time researching them online and go out to buy all the supplies they need. They eat more noodles for lunch, and then go out to survey the garden and find exactly the right spot for the insect hotel, according to all the information they found.

“How long do you think it will take to build?” asks Ben, after they’ve rejected one spot because the ground is too uneven, and another spot for being too shady.

“Not too long. Maybe a couple of days? I remember taking nearly a week to build mine, but I was doing it on my own.”

“Didn’t Grandpa help you?”

It takes Lee a moment to process the unfamiliar name and understand the question.

“He wasn’t around. He was away on his battlestar a lot when I was a kid.” Which is still better than having no father around at all, but Lee makes himself box that away. He can’t do anything about that now.

“What about your mom?” Ben beckons him over to look at another likely spot.

“She was busy.”

“Oh, that’s a shame. My mom gets busy, she has a lot of planes to fly, but she always finds time to do stuff with me too. Your mom must have had a very important job.”

“Something like that.” Lee can’t remember where that particular summer fitted in the trajectory of his mother’s drinking, but even before she’d started spending most of her time hungover, she’d never been a hands-on mother. Activities were to keep him and Zak occupied and out of her way, not to spend time together.

“Zak helped for the first day, but then he got bored, so I finished it on my own. Which was ironic as it was for his school project.”

Ben turns round to look at Lee, his hazel eyes puzzled. “Why didn’t you make him finish it then? If it was his homework?”

“Zak talked me into it. He was hard to say no to.” He had a particular beseeching expression that worked on Lee every time, even though he knew Zak was playing him. “I didn’t mind doing it.” He hadn’t. There had been so many problems in Zak’s childhood that he hadn’t been able to fix. It had felt good to be able to do some things for him.

“So you built it for Zak? You weren’t interested in insects, like I am?” Ben’s mouth droops at the edges, and Lee moves to reassure him.

“I got interested, once I started, and it’ll be fun to build one again. I think this is a good spot, you know.”

They refer back to the online guides, and decide that this is definitely the spot. Lee starts laying in the bricks for the base.

“So what  _ were  _ you interested in?”

Lee looks up, distracted from his calculations of how far apart to lay the bricks.

“What?”

“What were you interested in, when you were a kid? What did you do?”

“I’ve told you a lot about what Zak and I did. Swimming, the arcade, cycle rides…”

“No, I mean what did  _ you _ do. Without Zak. On your own.”

Lee puts down the next brick, startled. He can’t immediately think of an answer. What  _ did _ he use to do, without Zak? School work, mainly. Chores and cooking, especially when his mother got worse. That’s not what Ben’s asking for though. He wants something that Lee enjoyed doing, that he found as engrossing as Ben does studying insects.

Suddenly, a memory comes back to him, and a smile spreads across his face.

“I built model planes.”

Ben’s eyes widen with interest. “What kind of planes?”

“All kinds. Vipers, raptors, light aircraft...I used to buy these kits. I had to fit all the parts together, and glue them in place. It was tricky, the parts were so tiny, I had to get them lined up exactly right. I painted them too.” That had been another fiddly job, the careful tiny brushstrokes...it had been very relaxing though. The total concentration needed to put each model together, precise and perfect, hadn’t allowed him to think about anything else. “I must have made dozens. I’d forgotten that.”

“Do you still have any of them?”

“What?” Lee picks up the brick again, trying to remember. “I don’t think so...my mom got rid of a lot of my stuff, when I joined the Fleet.” She’d decided a fresh start required a tidy house, and got a little carried away; he remembered coming back at the end of term to an almost empty room.

“Is that why you built model planes? Because you wanted to be a pilot?”

“Yeah. Only thing I ever wanted to be, growing up. I was obsessed.” Lee’s smile slides off his face as he remembers where that eventually led. Maybe if he’d been less obsessed, widened his ambitions, then Zak wouldn’t have been drawn along in his wake. He might still be here today.

“Then why did you give it up?” 

The question hurts, and so does the innocent curiosity in Ben’s face. Lee knows he can’t ignore him or walk away as he usually would, and struggles for an answer that skims over the truth without being too painful.

“Dreams change, when you get older. Sometimes they cost too much, and you decide they’re not worth it any more.”

_ Sometimes you lose the right to follow your dreams, if you screw up badly enough. _

He pushes the brick down into the soil with more force than is strictly necessary.

“Why don’t we take a break? I need a cold drink.”

They take a break, watching a cartoon about underwater explorers while they have their cold drink. By the evening, the base of the insect hotel is completed, and Lee feels he knows more than he ever needed to about sea creatures and insects, but he feels he’s finally getting to know the real Ben.

His son. 

Lee still has trouble getting his head around that.

\---

Ben’s gone up to his room, and Lee’s clearing up lunch when the doorbell rings. He expects it to be Karl. He’s popped round a couple of times in the last few days, managing with his inimitable Karl Agathon good-humoured alchemy to blatantly check up on them without getting Lee’s back up in the process.

It’s not Karl. He opens the door to a woman wearing a crisp linen skirt and jacket, and a smooth cap of silvering hair with every strand fixed firmly in place.

All the breath rushes out of Lee’s lungs, but he refuses to let it show.

Cool blue eyes meet cool dark eyes.

Polite mask meets polite mask.

“Hello Mom.”

Lee hasn’t seen his mother in person since he left Caprica, and their last video call was a duty Winter Solstice one nearly half a year ago. She has a few more wrinkles, and she’s stopped bothering to dye her hair, but otherwise she looks much the same.

Lee watches her surreptitiously as he makes the tea she asked for, trying to judge her mood. She looks calm, but his mother always looks calm, until suddenly she isn’t, and there are rarely any warning signs.

He takes the seat opposite her at the kitchen table, and pours the tea. His mother adds sugar and milk, and Lee watches to see if her hand shakes when she lifts the jug or uses the teaspoon.

“I haven’t fallen off the wagon, Lee.” His mother is looking back at him with mild exasperation. “I’ve been sober three years now.”

“I know.”

“So you do read my emails.” His mother stirs in the sugar. “It’s hard to tell from your replies. Are you still in environmental law?”

He nods.

“Well, I suppose it’s an improvement on the military. That was a pointless folly, and it took you far longer to get it out of your system than it should have done.”

Lee pours a cup of tea for himself, concentrating now on keeping his own hands steady.

“What are you doing here, Mom?”

“I thought I should take the opportunity to see you, as you’ve actually deigned to visit Caprica.” She sips her tea cautiously.

“You could come to Aerilon.” He knew there was more chance of her visiting Hades. It might have played a part in his decision to settle there.

“Stop trying to bait me, Lee. My buttons aren’t as easily pushed as your father’s.”

Lee feels his shoulders tense at the mention of his father, and forces himself to relax, aware of his mother’s sharp eyes. “I suppose that’s why you’re here. He called you?”

“Of course.” His mother’s lips curve in a bitter smile. “You didn’t think he’d pass up an opportunity like that, did you? To blame my poor parenting for the disgrace his remaining son has turned out to be?” She frowns at him. “Don’t clench your jaw like that, Lee. You’re over thirty, you should be way past caring about your father’s opinion.”

“What about your opinion?” 

“Do you expect me to be outraged?” Another bitter half-smile. “Please, Lee, I’m well aware I lost the right to any moral high ground years ago. I leave that kind of posturing to Bill.” She lifts her cup and gently blows on the tea to cool it. “Although I admit I was surprised to hear that you were the boy’s father. I hadn’t realised that the favouritism I showed towards Zak had quite such an overwhelming impact.”

Lee forgets sometimes how deadly an opponent his mother can be, how deeply her words can strike. He almost expects to see blood pouring out of his chest.

“So you admit there was favouritism?” It comes out far more bitterly than he intended, despite his best efforts.

“Of course.” His mother doesn’t even blink. “A lot of it was unconscious, and I admit it was unfair, but I’m not going to deny it. What would be the point?”

Lee realises his jaw is clenching again.

“What is all this, Mom? Is it part of your rehab programme? Confess all your shortcomings and ask your family to forgive you?”

His mother puts down her cup. Her expression makes him feel like a tiresome six year old who won’t go to bed when he’s told to.

“You know it’s part of the programme, Lee.” Her sigh is full of irritation. “What do you want me to say? Am I sorry for drinking? I am. Do I wish I hadn’t wrecked your and Zak’s childhood? I do. Will I admit I should never have had children in the first place? I will. But what would it achieve? Would it make you feel better? Would you even listen?”

Every word feels like a punch to the stomach. Lee struggles for breath, as her eyes pierce him, demanding an answer.

“No.”

“Exactly. It doesn’t matter what I say, Lee. You won’t forgive me, you most likely never will, and you’re probably right not to.” For a moment there’s a flicker of sadness in those deep brown eyes.

“So why are you here, then? If every word you say to me is pointless?” 

“I wanted to meet my grandson.” 

“Why?”

She shrugs. “Call it curiosity, or sentimentality. An old woman’s whim, perhaps.”

“No, I mean, why now? You must have known about Ben for years. Why haven’t you met him before?”

“I have tried, since I finished rehab.” A shade of emotion crosses that eerily calm face. “Kara didn’t reply to my email. I think your father’s been pouring his bitterness into her ears.”

“Or maybe Zak told her one too many stories of his childhood.”

“I acknowledge the point, Lee, but dial down on the sarcasm. It reveals more than you want it to.”

Lee clenches his fists under the table. “Why should I let you see him, if Kara refused?”

His mother’s eyes cloud over, but she doesn’t flinch. “No reason at all. You don’t have to.” They’re silent for a while, as she finishes her tea. She puts down her empty cup with a firm click, looking at him with determination.

“There’s also something I wanted to say to you, now you’re a father.”

Lee stares at her in disbelief. “You cannot be daring to give me parenting advice.”

His mother’s smile is full of self-mockery. “I wouldn’t presume to give advice. Simply some hard-learned experience, before you start stuffing your head with theories.”

“And what’s that?”

“There is no manual for being a parent. There are no rules. I know it won’t come naturally to you, but you have to go with your instincts, and hope for the best.”

“What are you saying?” Lee is all but spitting out the words, but again his mother doesn’t even flinch.

“Actually, I do have one piece of advice. Never treat a child with detachment. It does no good to you, and it certainly does no good to them.”

Lee pushes back his chair violently. It scrapes discordantly against the tiled floor. He takes two steps to the window, turning his back to look out at the sunlit garden.

“This is the one area of life where you should never hold back. And I truly am sorry.”

The underlying problem with his father is that his father doesn’t understand him. The underlying problem with his mother is that she does understand him, and that has always been worse.

He stares out of the window, counting the birds on the lawn until his breathing steadies, and then turns.

“Ben’s upstairs. If you’d like to see him.”

His mother doesn’t stay long. She spends half an hour talking to Ben, apparently aimlessly, but gathering information underneath as she always does, and then says she has an appointment to keep.

Lee sees her to the door. 

“Am I allowed to come again?”

Lee lets out a long sigh. “I’ll let you know.”

His mother studies his face for a moment, and nods. She buttons up her jacket, and Lee opens the door.

“Gods, Lee, that boy reminds me of you.” It comes out as a long sigh.

He doesn’t answer. She leans forward, putting a hand on his cheek, turning his head to meet her eyes.

Lee tenses. He wants to pull away, but he doesn’t.

“You have to get this right, Lee.” He can’t look away, stunned by the sudden emotion in his mother’s dark eyes. “Don’t frak him up the way I did you.”

She turns on her heel and is gone before Lee can form a reply.

\----

In the middle of the night, he gets up to go to the bathroom, and hears noises coming from Ben’s room. After a moment, he realises what they are, and his heart drops.

He pushes open the door.

“Ben, it’s me.” Ben sits up, rubbing at his eyes, but he can’t hide the tears, even in the dim glow of his nightlight. “What is it?”

Ben doesn’t answer.

Lee sits down on the edge of the bed. “Come on, tell me. Remember, we have a deal.”

“I want…” Ben breaks off, choking, but then forces the words out. “I want Mom to be here instead of you.” 

His whole face floods with colour, as he realises what he’s said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“Ben, it’s all right. I’m not angry. I wish she was here for you too.”

Ben’s face crumples, and the tears burst out.

Lee hesitates. He knows what he wants to do, but he isn’t sure if Ben will accept it.

_ Follow your instincts. Don’t hold back _ .

He reaches out and pulls Ben into a hug. Ben tenses for a moment, but then he relaxes into Lee’s arms and buries his head against Lee’s shoulder. Lee tightens his arms, his heart thumping with relief that Ben has accepted him, hasn’t pushed him away, and lets him cry it out.

After a while, Ben lifts his head and says, “Can you stay here for a while?”

“Of course I can,” says Lee, when his throat clears. He squeezes himself in the bed next to Ben, and his son curls up against him.

Ben drifts off to sleep quickly, but Lee lies awake for a long while looking down at his son with an almost painful tenderness, afraid to move a muscle in case he wakes him.

\---

In the morning, Lee receives a call from an unknown number that turns out to be his father.

“I’d like to spend the afternoon with Ben, if you have no other plans.”

Bill’s tone is cold and formal, but at least he’s being civil. It’s more than Lee expected after their last conversation.

“That’s fine. You’ll have to give me your address though. Mom said you’d moved.”

“No need, I’ll pick him up at twelve. He can stay with me for dinner, and I’ll drop him off before bedtime.”

Ben’s face lights up at the prospect of seeing his grandfather, which pleases and annoys Lee in equal measure. 

At noon precisely, a car pulls up outside and beeps the horn. Opening the front door, Lee can see his father waving from the driver’s seat. 

“Get your shoes on, Ben. Don’t forget a coat, I’m not sure what your grandfather is planning.”

Ben looks up from tying his shoelaces, a frown clouding his face. “Aren’t you coming too?”

Lee’s taken aback. The thought hasn’t even occurred to him.

“No, I thought it would be nice for you and your grandfather to have some time on your own.” The horn beeps again. “Come on, he’s waiting.”

It’s a strange afternoon. Lee was looking forward to some quiet time on his own, but now he has it, he isn’t quite sure what to do with himself. He catches up on emails to some of his friends on Aerilon, who are all concerned by his sudden disappearance to Caprica; he checks in briefly with his senior partner, and ends up, as he does every evening after Ben goes to bed, scanning all the news services and social media for the latest reports from the earthquake zone on Aquaria.

He knows it’s futile, that if any news does come through about Kara, the authorities would be in touch long before anything appears in the media, but he still does it. He can’t go to Aquaria himself, not with Ben to look after, but at least he can do this. It’s his way of keeping vigil for her.

Kara has to come back. Ben is managing amazingly well, but as Lee grows to know him better, he can see how much Ben is struggling underneath, how much he needs his mother to come home.

She will come home. It isn’t how Lee usually thinks. He’s always prided himself on being realistic, on being willing to look harsh facts squarely in the face, but for some reason he can’t do that this time. He can’t accept what the facts are increasingly telling him, with every day that passes with no word.

He shouldn’t really be surprised. He’s been completely unable to act rationally where Kara Thrace is concerned from the day he met her.

\---

His father gets out of the car when he drops Ben off, but barely speaks to Lee. Fortunately Ben talks enough for all three of them. They arrange that Bill will take Ben out again in two days time.

“Why don’t you come with us?” asks Ben before the next outing, watching out the window for Bill’s car. “He’s taking me bowling. You’d like it.”

“I’m sure he’d prefer to have time alone with you. You’re his grandson.”

Ben looks round. “But you’re his son. Doesn’t he want to spend time with you too?”

The expression in his eyes makes Lee feel as if he’s standing on the edge of an unexpected minefield.

“It’s complicated.” He knows it’s a cop-out, and he can tell Ben knows it too.

“Don’t you like each other? Is that why he never talked about you?” Ben rushes the words out nervously. “He used to tell me stories about Zak, but he never mentioned you at all.”

It hurts to hear that his father eradicated him from the family stories, even though Lee knows it shouldn’t. He excised Bill from his own life just as completely, once he left the fleet.

He’s afraid that Ben’s going to ask more questions that so far Lee’s managed to avoid, such as why Bill thought that Zak was his father, and why Lee stopped speaking to Kara, and so he puts together an answer.

“Dad and I...when Zak died, I was very angry with him, and we argued...and then I left Caprica, and didn’t speak to him for a very long time. Not until a few weeks ago, really, so things are still difficult between us.”

“But...Zak died before I was born.” Ben’s frowning as he puts it together. “That’s ten years. You didn’t speak to each other for ten years?”

It sounds ridiculous, coming from a child’s mouth. Ben looks incredulous, and Lee feels a searing flash of shame. He tries to think how to explain himself without sounding petty, but fortunately his father's car pulls up at that moment, and he’s saved.

\---

One afternoon they’re kicking a ball around in the garden, when Lee gets a call from Kara’s lawyer. His pulse speeds up.

“Sorry, I need to take this, Ben.” He takes the call inside the house, closing the patio door so Ben can’t overhear.

His caution is wasted. It isn’t news of Kara. Only more red tape, more questions, more paperwork to sign.

After fifteen minutes he steps back outside, full of apologies...but Ben isn’t there.

Lee searches the garden. He searches the house, even though he was sitting at the kitchen table talking to the lawyer, and Ben would have walked right past him if he’d come inside. He yells Ben’s name, over and over, but gets no answer.

He goes back outside, his thoughts spiralling down an endless black hole. 

_ I’ve lost him, I’ve lost him...Kara trusted me with him...Dad’s right, what the hell am I doing thinking I could look after a kid...look what happened to Zak… _

During the second search of the garden, he realises the gate is unbolted. He runs out to the street, looking around wildly, his mind conjuring up horrible visions of car crashes and blood and small crumpled bodies in the road…

The front door of the next door house opens, and Ben walks out. He turns to say something to the older woman who opened the door for him. She sees Lee and smiles.

“You must be Ben’s dad.”

Lee nods, over the deafening noise of his heart crashing against the walls of his chest. Somehow he gets through three minutes of polite small talk with her, although he has only the vaguest idea of what he’s saying. The neighbour doesn’t seem to notice anything, although he can see that Ben is looking at him oddly.

Back in the house, Lee shuts the patio door behind them and takes two long breaths before he turns around. It doesn’t help.

“What were you doing over there?”

He’s trying to keep his voice calm, but Ben’s eyes widen apprehensively.

“I went to get my ball. I kicked it over the fence.”

“You were gone longer than that would have taken.”

“Mrs Watson gave me some cake.” Ben’s voice gets quieter and quieter. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong is that you didn’t tell me where you were going. I didn’t know where you were!” Lee feels the panic flood through him all over again, and his voice rises.

“I only went next door-”

“You can’t just wander off like that without telling me! You’re only nine!”

A tide of colour washes across Ben’s face and suddenly he’s glaring back at Lee.

“I’m allowed to go next door! Mom lets me go there all the time, and I don’t need to tell her-”

“Well, your mother’s not here any more!”

The echoes of Lee’s words ring around the room like a thunderclap. 

Lee catches himself, horrified, realising what he’s said. 

“Ben...I didn’t mean-” He takes a step forward.

Ben scuttles away from him. “I hate you!” he shouts, his face crumpling, and turns to run up the stairs. 

Lee hears a door slam above him. He lets out a yell of frustration and thumps his head against the window glass.

_ Me and my frakking temper. _

All these years, practising calm, perfecting his self-control, and still he ends up shouting at a nine-year old. 

_ I’m not cut out for this. He deserves better than me. _

He can almost hear what his mother would say to that.

_ Yes Lee, he does deserve better, but you’re what he’s got. So go upstairs and fix this. _

\---

Knocking on that closed bedroom door is like putting his foot on a tightrope over a bottomless canyon. He should be used to it by now; he’s been balancing precariously, heart in his mouth, one slip away from complete disaster, ever since he first met Ben. 

For endless moments there’s no reply to his knock, and then Lee hears a grudging ‘come in’.

Ben is sitting hunched up on his bed, backed into the corner of the wall. He scowls at Lee, and his eyes are hard and angry, but it’s obvious that he’s been crying, and Lee feels like the scum of the earth.

“Ben, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have shouted at you.” 

“Why did you then?” Ben glares down at the crumpled bedcover.

“I was scared.” The words are surprisingly easy to say. “I couldn’t find you, and I was worried something had happened to you. That’s why I got angry.”

“I’m allowed to go next door.” Ben’s mouth is set with stubborn defiance, and Lee is piercingly reminded of Kara whenever he bailed her out of the brig, fierce and unrepentant.

Lee sits cautiously on the edge of the bed.

“You have to remember I’m new here. I don’t know the rules.” Ben’s still scowling, but Lee pushes on. “Can we...make another deal? You promise to tell me before you go anywhere on your own, and I’ll promise not to shout.”

The silence stretches Lee’s nerves almost to breaking, before Ben finally looks directly at him.

“Are you staying, then?” Ben’s voice trembles.

Lee blinks at him, confused.

“What do you mean?”

“I thought you would leave.” Hazel eyes glare at him, glistening with tears.

“Why would I leave?” 

“Because you were angry with me.”

“Yes, I was angry, but...why do you think that would make me leave?” Lee can’t imagine ever wanting to leave Ben. The thought scares him a little, but he knows it’s true.

“You left Grandpa.” Ben pulls his knees into his chest, curling up tighter. “You were angry with him, and you shouted at him, and then you went away and didn’t come back for years.”

Another chasm, yawning at his feet. Lee scrambles for words, completely knocked off balance. He’d never imagined that Ben would hear that story and think...

“Ben...that’s different. I wouldn’t leave you. You’re...you’re my son.” 

He realises it’s the first time he’s said those words out loud.

They fail to lift the cloud from Ben’s face. 

“Grandpa’s your dad.”

Damn. It’s a completely logical point, and Lee can’t argue with it. He thinks rapidly. Maybe...maybe there’s another way round this. A way to show Ben that he can mend quarrels as well as starting them. It won’t be easy, but if he’s honest with himself, it’s something that’s way overdue, that he should have started a long time ago.

“Ben...would it be okay if I came along next time you see Grandpa?” 

Ben nods suspiciously.

“You’re right, he’s my dad, and it would be good to spend some time with him. With both of you. Because...because I plan to stay in both of your lives for a long time. Okay?”

Another nod. Ben stops scowling, and Lee holds out his hand.

“Why don’t we call Grandpa then, and see if he’d like that? Maybe he’ll be free tomorrow. Will you come downstairs? We can call Grandpa, and then I’ll make you pancakes.”

Ben lowers his knees, and leans forward a little.

“With chocolate sauce?”

“If that’s what you want.”

Ben thinks for a moment longer, and then he takes Lee’s hand, and they go downstairs.

\---

That night, Lee wakes in the small hours to find Ben climbing into his bed and snuggling up against him. He’s too surprised to speak, and Ben doesn’t say anything. He sighs contentedly against Lee’s chest, and within minutes is asleep again. Lee blinks back the tears that rise to his eyes, knowing he’s forgiven. He strokes Ben’s hair gently, and promises silently he’ll earn that trust.

\---

Bill was obviously surprised by their call, but he’s clearly no more immune to Ben’s appeals than Lee is, and the next day finds all three of them visiting the Caprica Aquarium.

It’s not as awkward as Lee had expected, with Ben there to act as a buffer. He runs from one display to the next, calling them over to look at the next fish or lobster or crab while he rattles off a list of facts about each one from his book, although Lee notices he’s not looking at it most of the time. He has a scarily good memory, although to be honest neither he nor Bill know enough to contradict him.

They certainly get their money’s worth. It’s over two hours by the time they finally get to the cafe at the exit. They have lunch, and it’s not until they finish eating and Ben runs off to try out the swing in the playground that Lee finds himself alone with his father.

“Thanks for coming along today, Dad. Ben wanted us all to do something together.”

“I could tell that.” 

Lee can’t glean anything from his father’s tone. He takes a deep breath, steeling himself for the plunge. He spent a long time yesterday thinking about what he should say to his father, what he’s left unsaid for far too long. 

“Dad...I need to tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I said to you at Zak’s funeral. It wasn’t your fault he died, and I shouldn’t have said it was.”

Something flickers across his father’s face, but again Lee can’t interpret it. 

“You meant it at the time.” 

“Yes I did...but I don’t think that now. Ten years is long enough even for me to cool down and admit I was wrong.”

He lets a hint of self-mocking humour creep into his voice, and sees his father respond with a chuckle. 

“You always were the stubborn one.” Bill sighs, the humour fading. “You weren’t entirely wrong, Lee. I shouldn’t have pushed Zak into the fleet, into being a pilot. I should have realised it wasn’t right for him.”

“You weren’t the only one who encouraged him.” Lee shifts in his chair, feeling his chest tighten. “I shouldn’t have...but he wanted to fly vipers so much, and I wanted him to be happy, wanted him to feel the way I did when I got my wings, and…” His throat starts to clog up, but he forces himself on. “I knew he was struggling, didn’t find flying as easy as I did, and I should have tried to talk to him, instead of glossing over it because I felt awkward...I should have protected him better-”

He can’t go on. He stares down into his coffee cup, his vision blurring, and to his infinite surprise, feels his father’s hand on his arm.

“Lee, stop. Don’t do this to yourself.”

Lee looks up. He expects the sadness in his father’s eyes, but not the utter comprehension, the shared understanding. The tightness in his chest loosens slightly.

“If there’s one thing I’ve realised in the last ten years, it’s that all the guilt and blame in the world won’t bring him back. If I hadn’t pushed him into the fleet, if you hadn’t led the way as a pilot, if Kara hadn’t passed him when he should have failed…”

Lee’s chest tightens again. “She told you about that?”

“Not long after she first started bringing Ben to see me.” Bill is watching his face closely. “I wasn’t sure if you knew.”

“She told me the day of his funeral. She heard what I said to you, and she...she wanted me to know that she was the one I should blame.”

Lee can see the change in his father’s expression at the mention of that day, the shuttered eyes, the set mouth. He takes a deep breath, knowing he has to address this if they’re going to make any progress.

“Dad...please don’t think badly of Kara for what happened between us that day. She was a mess, and so was I...we’d been drinking, and neither of us were thinking straight...”

“He was your brother, Lee. He was your brother, and you betrayed him in about the worst way you could, on the day we said goodbye to him.”

He was dead, Lee wants to say, but he knows it doesn’t matter, not really. He remembers the first time he met Kara, that moment in the kitchen...if that glass hadn't smashed, if Zak hadn’t woken up, then he would have betrayed him while he was alive, too. He’d gone on to betray him a million times in his head, even if he’d never touched Kara like that again in reality until the day of the funeral.

“I would never have imagined you could behave like that, Lee. I thought better of you.”

Under that rigid, judgemental gaze, Lee feels as if he’s Ben’s age again, called into his father’s infrequent presence to answer for some misdemeanour. Frustration fills him. He’s so tired of repeating these old patterns.

“What do you want me to say, Dad? That what I did was wrong, and messed-up? I know that. That I should never forgive myself? I never have, I still feel guilty. I used to wish I could go back in time and undo it...until I found out about Ben. I can’t regret him.” If Lee believed in the gods, and if he believed he deserved their mercy, Ben’s existence almost feels like that. One good thing to come out of the terrible wreckage of Zak’s death. 

“I can apologise until I’m blue in the face, Dad, but when it comes down to it, you have to make a decision.”

His father is staring at him as if he’s never seen him before. Lee realises that maybe he’s never spoken to him like this before. He didn’t have the self-confidence, all those years ago, still too influenced by childhood habits of fear and respect.

“A decision?”

“Yes. I did what I did, Dad. I can’t change that. So it’s up to you. You can hang on to a grudge about this, and we can go back to bitter silence for another ten years. Or you can make an effort to put it aside, and we can try to move on. Find a way of dealing with each other again.”

Silence. His father is still staring at him.

“You...you...gods Lee, that’s harsh.”

He shrugs. “It’s the truth at the root of all this. We have to face up to it.” 

His father sits stiff and silent for over a minute, while Lee watches Ben on the playground and tries to keep his face calm.

“I don’t...I don’t want to go back to silence, Lee. We’ve wasted enough years. So let’s...let’s try to move forward. If you want that?”

The hesitancy of the last words surprises Lee. He makes himself meet his father’s eyes, and they’re softer than he expected. He nods.

“I do.”

His father nods back. Their eyes meet in agreement, and Lee can feel the tension between them relaxing.

“I shouldn’t have punched you, that day at the lawyer’s office,” says his father suddenly.

Lee thinks back to how he behaved that day. He was still in shock from finding out about Ben, and having to face his father on top of that had kicked him into top passive aggressive mode.

“I think I would have punched me too, in your place.”

Bill chokes on a laugh. “Maybe. So how’s it going, with Ben?”

There’s no judgement in his father’s voice as he asks the question, and Lee finds himself answering honestly.

“I really have no idea. I’m hanging in there.”

This time his father’s laugh rings out unfettered. “Welcome to the club, son.”

\---

Since Lee arrived, he and Ben spend Sundays with Karl and Sharon. The first time Karl asked, Lee thought the invitation was just for Ben, and expected to drop him off and leave. But Karl offered him a coffee, and Lee didn’t want to be rude so he accepted, and they started chatting, and then Karl took him outside to meet his kids, and show him round his workshop, and time passed without Lee noticing, and he ended up staying for dinner as well. After that, Karl seems to take it for granted that Lee will stay all day every Sunday, and Lee finds himself going along with it, and even enjoying himself.

He forgot what a... _ nice guy _ Karl is. It’s such a cliche, but Lee can’t think how else to describe him. Calm, good-humoured, easy-going...endlessly kind and compassionate, tactfully offering help where he can see it’s needed without being intrusive or judgemental about it. Lee admires all that about Karl, especially the qualities he knows he can never emulate. 

The afternoons spent in Karl’s kitchen, joking and swapping stories, almost make him feel as if they’re back in the old days, when Kara first introduced him and Zak to Karl and the rest of the group she hung out with. Karl tells Lee all about his postings and his kids, and Lee finds himself saying more than he means to about the life he’s built on Aerilon.

Sharon isn’t as open and welcoming as her husband. Lee can feel her watching every interaction he has with Ben closely on his first visit, and she asks him several pointed questions about routines and activities and healthy eating. On his second visit, however, she smiles when she opens the door, and makes him a coffee without asking if he wants one, and he realises that whatever her test was, he appears to have passed. He discovers she gives good advice, and he likes her sharp sense of humour.

Halfway through Lee’s third visit, a few days after the trip to the aquarium, the back door bangs open, interrupting Sharon in mid-sentence, and their daughter Hera tumbles into the kitchen, closely followed by Ben.

He rushes over to Lee, face flushed with excitement. 

“Dad, can I go to the park with Hera?”

Lee stares at him, shocked into silence, and Ben gabbles on.

“It’s right across the street, and we’ll only go for half an hour. Can I go, Dad, please?”

“Yes, that’s fine,” Lee finally manages to stammer out. “Be back in half an hour.”

They disappear in a jumble of whoops and slamming doors, leaving Lee in a daze.

“First time he’s called you that, huh?”

Karl and Sharon are both looking at him with an amusement that Lee wants to resent, but there’s just enough underlying affection that he can’t.

“Yeah. First time.” 

He carries the glow of it around with him all day.

\---

Days tumble past, and Lee has been back on Caprica just over a month, when the call he’s been waiting for, has nearly given up on receiving, finally comes.

Karl’s voice, exploding with joy, wakes him early one morning.

“She’s alive. Kara’s alive.”

Karl rushes on, talking about destroyed phone lines and blocked roads and bridges washed away and messages going astray, but Lee doesn’t listen to him. It doesn’t matter, none of the details matter. 

Kara’s alive, and she’s coming home to Ben. 

_ I’m not going to have to do all this on my own after all. _

_ I’m going to see her again. _

Lee silently thanks all the gods he doesn’t believe in, and wipes away the tears that trickle from the corners of his eyes.


	3. Part Two

Kara’s arrival at the spaceport is a blur of faces and voices, of long corridors and forms to complete and sitting in empty rooms. Normally she would complain forcefully, but she’s jetlagged from the flight, and her knee’s hurting, and under it all she’s bone-deep tired from the strain of the last ten weeks. 

She needs to go home and collapse in her own space, and most of all she needs to see Ben, to pull him tight against her and start making up for everything her absence must have put him through.

Then the door of the latest empty room opens, and the figure who enters blurs and resolves into Karl, and the world is solid again.

Kara walks into his arms, and they close tightly around her. She leans her head against his chest, and can feel his breath shuddering against her cheek.

“You had me worried there for a while, Starbuck.”

Kara breathes in his calming presence. 

“Had myself worried for a while.” She can admit it to him.

She pulls back, looking hopefully around him. “Did you bring Ben with you?”

Karl shakes his head, much to her disappointment. “I wasn’t sure how long I’d be waiting around for you. He’s back at my place.”

“He’s okay?” Karl can obviously see the anxiety in her eyes, because he squeezes her hand firmly.

“He found it tough. We all did. But he’ll be fine now you’re back.”

Kara takes a long breath, lets the relief sink in.

“Thanks for looking after him. I bet he’s been talking your ears off. Sharon must be going nuts.”

She expects Karl to grin and joke back, but instead he looks at her with an awkward expression that brings all her anxiety flooding back.

“What?”

“Ben...hasn’t been staying with us.”

“You mean the Old Man took him? For all this time? He must have been run ragged.”

“Not the Old Man.” Karl hesitates, then screws up his eyes with determination. “Kara...when you’d been missing for a month with no word, it triggered your guardianship arrangement for Ben. Your lawyers contacted the guardian you named.”

Kara staggers as the floor seems to tilt underneath her. Karl catches her arm, helps her sit down.

“You mean...they contacted  _ Lee _ ?”

“Yes.”

Her brain is a whirling jumble of disconnected fragments. 

“Lee’s  _ here _ ?”

“Yes. He’s been here for over a month. He’s been staying in your house with Ben.”

Kara can’t speak. She stares at the floor, gripping Karl’s arm, as it all sinks in. 

Lee’s here. On Caprica. He knows about Ben. He’s met Ben. He’s been looking after Ben. He’s been living in her house.

_ Lee’s here. I’m going to see him again.  _

She wants him to be waiting in the next room, and wants to get back on the shuttle far away from him with equal intensity.

“Is Lee back at your house?”

“No. He’s going to come over this evening, but no, he won’t be there when we get back. Just Ben. I thought it would be too much, all at once.”

Kara looks up with gratitude. “You’re a good friend, Karl. And I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“You know what. For not telling you about Lee.”

“Well, I can see why you didn’t.” Karl rubs his hand down her arm comfortingly, and then sends her a mock glare. “Although some warning would have been nice.”

“Sorry.” Kara can’t hold back the next question. “How is it going? Lee and Ben?” She’s imagined it so many times, them finally meeting, and now it’s happened and she wasn’t even there to see it.

Karl sits down next to her. “I think it’s going well. Better than I expected at first.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, when I first saw Lee at the lawyer’s office…” Karl is obviously choosing his words carefully. “You know he’s always been kind of...closed off.”

Kara huffs out a laugh. “That’s the understatement of the year. So...he’s still like that, then?” The thought is oddly painful.

“Worse, if anything. Gods, the Old Man punched him in the jaw and he barely blinked.”

“The Old Man punched him...what the hell happened?”

“He realised what must have...when you and Lee must have…” Karl trails off awkwardly. 

An overwhelming wave of embarrassment and guilt sweeps over Kara, and for a moment the room starts tilting again. She hoped the Old Man would never find out about that.

“Guess he’ll be punching me too, then,” she mutters.

“Of course he won’t, Kara. Not after all the two of you have been through together. Besides, the way Lee was acting that day...he was pretty much asking for it.”

Kara can imagine. There are few people as provoking as Lee when he sets his mind to it.

“Anyway, the Old Man seems to have forgiven Lee. They’re talking again. They even took Ben to the aquarium together.”

Kara stares at him. This day seems to be one shock after another. How can so much have changed in such a short space of time?

“How the hell did that happen?”

“I think Ben had a hand in it.” Karl grins. “Lee’s better than I expected, with him. Very patient. He actually listens to Ben’s lectures and looks interested, and even asks questions. I wish he’d been around when Ben was going through the ‘why’ stage.”

“And what does Ben think about Lee?” She tries to keep her voice steady.

“Oh, he’s thrilled. Seems to have a bet with himself how many times he can say the words ‘my dad’ every time I see him.” 

She must have made a noise, because Karl’s hand is suddenly on her shoulder. “Kara...don’t get upset.”

“He should have had a dad all along. I should have done something about it before this.” More guilt, guilt she’s been trying to hold at bay for nine years, telling herself that it wouldn’t work out, that Lee wouldn’t want to know...telling herself that Ben had Karl and the Old Man, he didn’t need a dad as well...hoping that Lee would get back in touch with his father and work it out on his own, so that she wouldn’t have to tell him...

“Kara. Kara, ease up. It was a tough situation.”

She shakes her head violently, and tries to throw off Karl’s hand, but he holds on firmly, and eventually she gives up, and lets him rub her back gently until her breathing calms.

“I’m glad they’ve been getting on,” she says finally, and stands up.

Kara stands too, following her lead. “Yeah, well...they’re a lot alike, aren’t they? In some ways. I can see it, now.”

Kara had been so relieved, during Ben’s first year, that he looked like her. No dark hair or blue eyes to cause any stabs of unexpected pain. Then she had realised that her relief had been premature, as her baby gradually grew into a little boy who was thoughtful and secretive and determined and sensitive in ways that were all too achingly familiar.

“Come on, Karl. Let’s go.” 

She needs to see Ben. That’s all she can think about now. She’ll worry about Lee later.

\---

The drive to Karl’s house seems to take an eternity, every red light set against them, every junction clogged with traffic. The ache to see Ben is much worse now, than it was on Aquaria. She’d pushed it away then, because there was nothing she could do, and she needed to focus all her energy on staying alive so she could get back to him. Now though...now he’s only minutes away, and all she can think of is how long he’s been waiting for her, how lost and bewildered he must have been…

Finally, finally they turn into Karl’s drive and pull up outside the sprawling weathered old house. Kara jumps out of the car as the front door slams open. A small familiar body hurtles out of the house and cannons into her, knocking her back a step. 

Ben buries his face in her stomach, saying  _ mom, mom, mom _ over and over. Kara drops to her knees and wraps her arms around him and mumbles apologies into his hair, and soon they’re both crying.

\---

Karl and Sharon can be tactful when they want to be. They retreat into the house and herd their kids away, leaving Kara and Ben to sit in the warm grass with their arms wrapped around each other and get used to being together again.

Ben asks what happened, and Kara gives him the sanitised version, being stranded by the earthquake in a remote town with her plane destroyed and all communications down, with the road back to civilisation blocked, forcing a long and exhausting cross country trek. She doesn’t mention that she was injured in the earthquake and was pretty much out of it for two weeks, or that one of her companions died in a mishap on the road. She makes it sound like an exciting adventure. She’s not sure if Ben entirely buys it, but he doesn’t press her.

When he runs out of questions, she knows it’s time to return the favour, and braces herself.

“So what have you been doing while I was gone?”

He fixes her with a long, considering stare. “Mom...did Uncle Karl tell you my dad’s here?”

“Yes.”

He half relaxes, but he’s still watching her uneasily. “Are you...upset about that?”

“No,” Kara says, too quickly to have time to consider whether or not it’s true. “I’m glad you finally got to meet him.” That part is definitely true. 

“Me too.” The smile that spreads across Ben’s face is radiant, and her guilt floods back again.

“Do you...like him?” 

Ben nods, and his smile only gets brighter. “He makes great pancakes.”

It surprises a laugh out of her. “I remember that.”

“He sucks at pyramid, though.”

A grin splits her face. “I remember that, too.”

“He’s good at swimming, he’s showing me how to do front crawl properly. And last week he started teaching me to play chess, and that’s cool.” Ben pauses, scrunching up his face in thought. “He doesn’t talk a lot, like we do, but he’s good at listening. I mean, he properly listens, not just pretends to, like most grown-ups do. He’s interested in what I have to say.”

Kara remembers that about Lee, too. The insidious comfort of the good listener, who draws more out of you than you ever meant to say.

“I’m glad you like him.”

“Do you like him?” counters Ben, with a sharp upward glance.

Kara stalls, unsure what he’s trying to get at. “We used to be good friends, once.”

“Uncle Karl says he’s coming for dinner, and then he’ll take us home, but I wondered…” Another uncertain look.

Kara sighs with familiar exasperation, wishing her son would get over his habit of sidling up to a question. 

“Ben, what is it? Tell me what’s worrying you.”

“I just wondered…” Ben stares down at the grass, his whole body rigid. “Now you’ve come back, does that mean my dad will go away again?”

Kara’s lost for words. She hasn’t thought that far, about what Lee’s sudden reappearance in their lives will mean, or how they will all negotiate that. She doesn’t have the tendency to jump straight to the big picture that her son does.

She fumbles for a reply. She wants to reassure Ben, but she can’t. She has no idea what Lee’s plans are, or how he is feeling about all this.

“Let me talk to him, Ben,” she says finally. “He’ll come home with us tonight, and then...we’ll see what tomorrow brings. All right?”

Ben nods, and he hugs her, but there’s still worry in his eyes.

\---

They’re still sitting in the grass when a car pulls in, and Kara’s heart stutters to a halt for a moment before she recognises it, and then her heart falters again, because it’s the Old Man, and he knows now that Lee is Ben’s father, and she feels like a scared child caught out in wrongdoing.

Bill gets out of the car and Ben runs over for a hug. Kara gets to her feet slowly, and hangs back until Bill holds out an arm towards her, his face easing into a smile. She half stumbles across the grass, and he pulls her into the hug. She closes her eyes tightly, trying to hold back the tears.

“Ben, why don’t you go and tell Uncle Karl I’m here,” she hears him say, and Ben runs off.

Bill sets Kara back a pace, looking her over carefully as if scanning to check for damage.

“You had me worried for a while there,” he says, echoing Karl.

Kara knows it’s her cue to joke back, but she can’t, not quite yet. 

“I’m sorry,” she blurts out.

“About what?”

“You know about what. I didn’t lie outright, but I let you assume...what you must think of me…” 

She can’t go on, overcome with self-loathing as she always is when she thinks of the night of Zak’s funeral. 

“Hey. Kara, hey.” Bill’s hand tugs on her arm. “Look at me.”

It takes all her courage, but she looks up. She expects fury, expects disgust, but she doesn’t see either of those things. His face is stern, but there’s sympathy underneath it.

“I can’t pretend it wasn’t a shock. Or that I would be acting so calmly if we’d had this conversation a month ago. But I’ve had time to think about it all since then, time to settle down. I can’t condone what you did. But...you’re still a fine officer, and the best pilot I’ve ever seen. You’re still an excellent mother, and a good friend.” His voice drops roughly. “You’re still part of my family, and you always will be.”

This time Kara can’t hold back the tears, and they fall into another hug.

When she’s composed herself, they head towards the house. Bill sneaks a look at her.

“You know Lee’s coming over later?”

“I heard.” She sneaks a look back. “I also heard you’re talking to each other again.”

A wry smile. “Tentatively. I have your son to thank for that. He gave us both the push we needed.”

“I’m glad.” She risks a question. “How is he? Lee?”

“He seems well. Coping better with all this than I expected. I think.” Bill shrugs. “You know Lee. It’s hard to tell.”

\---

They have lunch, and then coffee and cake in the garden while the kids run around, and Kara sinks into the comfort of being back home, with everyone she loves around her, and lets the weariness and tension of the last weeks gradually drain away.

It’s late afternoon when she’s walking down the stairs, hears another car outside, and stops dead in front of the window on the half landing as she realises who it is.

He’s got his back to her, closing the car door. He looks in good shape. A bit heavier and softer than he used to be, but then he’s a civilian now, has been for a long time. He moves the same way, though, swift, efficient, precise.

He turns, and she catches her breath. He doesn’t look much different...there are more frown lines on his forehead, and he seems more confident, as if he’s grown into himself more, but...his face is so blank. He could always do that, make himself empty and remote, but it never used to be so...his emotions would always spark through in his eyes.

Not today. He’s almost like an old-fashioned sepia photo, posed and stiff, bleached of colour; a formal shell with no hint of the real person beneath.

A door bangs below her. Feet run, a familiar voice shouts.

Lee looks towards the voice, and colour and life flood back into every line of his body. A smile splits his face - his real smile, his proper smile - as Ben runs up to him and grabs his arm excitedly.

Ben is talking. Kara can’t hear the words, but she can see his mouth is moving without pausing for breath. Lee runs a hand through Ben’s hair and smiles down at him indulgently.

Sharon comes up the stairs and pauses beside her.

“Oh, Lee’s here. They’re cute together, aren’t they?”

Kara can’t reply. Sharon turns to look at her, and puts a hand on Kara’s arm. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think...do you need a minute?”

Kara shakes her head.

“No...it’s just...I should have got in touch with Lee before now. It wasn’t right to keep him and Ben apart. He must be so angry with me...”

“Kara.” Sharon’s voice commands her attention. “It’ll be ok. It may be tough for a while, but you’ll work it out. Okay?”

Kara nods, but she doesn’t really believe it. It sounds too rational, and she’s never been able to act rationally where Lee Adama is concerned from the first day she met him.

\---

Lee doesn’t look angry, though, when Kara finally musters the courage to go back out into the garden. He’s talking to his father, but when he sees her, he straightens and turns, falling silent. The expression on his face is awkward more than anything else.

Kara stares at him, trying to think of something to say, uncomfortably aware that everyone is watching them.

In the end it’s Lee who breaks the silence. 

“Kara. Thought you’d got lost on Aquaria.” He’s going for light, and he nearly pulls it off.

She finds herself responding in kind. 

“Lee. Thought you’d forgotten the way back to Caprica.”

His face softens a little. “It’s good to be wrong.”

Words spring to Kara’s lips, and she can’t resist saying them, even though there’s no way he’ll remember that old joke.

“Everybody has a skill.”

His blue eyes spark, and a smirk spreads across his face, because of course he remembers, of course he does, this is Lee…

An answering smirk covers her own face and they stand there, smirking at each other, while the silence stretches out and everyone else looks confused.

It’s just starting to get awkward again when Ben pushes between them.

“Now Dad’s here, we can play pyramid.”

“”What? I thought you told me he was crap at pyramid.” That chases away Lee’s awkwardness enough to make him glare at her.

“Yeah Mom, but he’s the best referee,” says Ben, rolling his eyes like she’s a complete idiot.

They all join in the game, even Sharon and Bill. Kara throws herself into the welcome distraction, and as the game progresses, she feels comfortable enough to mock argue with Lee over one of his decisions, and then wink at Ben behind his back.

They have dinner, and Kara smiles and laughs and even swaps fleet gossip with Lee and Bill, but all the while her stomach is in knots, because this is only a temporary reprieve. She’s going to have to leave here soon, to go back home with Ben and Lee. Then Ben will go to bed, leaving the two of them alone. She’s going to have to face him with no-one else to act as a buffer.

She could tell Lee not to come home with them. Tell him she doesn’t want him in the house now she’s back, tell him to stay with his dad or Karl. If it was only her, she would do it. But there’s Ben...she looks over at him showing Lee some insect he’s found in the grass, at the smile on his face, and remembers the worry in his eyes earlier when he asked if Lee would leave now she was back.

She can’t do that to him. She’s going to have to let Lee come home with them, and face the consequences.

\---

The sight of her house makes Kara feel ridiculously tearful. There have been times over the last few months when she wasn’t sure if she would see it again. She chokes the emotion back, scolding herself for being so sentimental.

It’s weird to step through that familiar door again, and even weirder to discover the signs of Lee’s presence; his shoes lined up neatly in the hall, his coat hanging in the cupboard, his laptop charging on the kitchen table...and subtler signs as well.

“You’ve been organising my house, haven’t you?” she accuses, her lips twitching.

Lee shifts awkwardly, and Ben laughs. “I told him you wouldn’t like it. He put all the books in alphabetical order.”

“It makes them easier to find,” Lee mutters. 

Kara laughs, the tension inside her easing a little. She had forgotten this part of Lee, with his endlessly endearing quirks.

Ben’s yawning, so Kara takes him upstairs to get ready for bed. She takes her time, enjoying the familiar ritual that she’s been missing for so long. Ben has a lot of new pictures to show her. It seems that sea creatures are his current interest, which explains the trip to the aquarium.

Finally Kara tucks him in and kisses him goodnight, and she’s at the doorway when he says, “Is Dad going to come and say goodnight?”

“Of course,” she says, something twisting almost painfully in her chest.

Lee’s in the kitchen on his laptop. She sends him upstairs, and starts making hot chocolate, trying to steady herself. Who could have an argument over a soothing drink like hot chocolate, she thinks, and then laughs loudly. Her and Lee, that’s who. The two most prickly people on the planet.

Laughing makes her spill the milk on the floor, and when she bends to wipe it up, she slips in it, and she’s already braced herself for the impact of the fall when a strong hand grabs her elbow and pulls her back to her feet.

She looks up, and their eyes meet, hazel to blue.

“Kara,” he breathes out.

“Lee,” she whispers back.

Suddenly it all falls away. All the years, all the distance, all the strangeness. None of it matters any more. He’s Lee, and she’s Kara, and they’re back together, and it’s both as reassuring and as terrifying as it’s always been. 

\---

They take their hot chocolate into the lounge. Lee sits carefully in the armchair, and Kara sprawls across the sofa, and they watch each other warily.

Unsurprisingly, she’s the one the silence cracks first.

“Go ahead Lee,” she says, waving a hand theatrically. “Have at me.”

His forehead furrows. “What?”

“Get it all out. Expel your bile. I’m giving you a free pass. You can be as harsh as you want, and I won’t fight back. I deserve it.”

“Kara…” He’s looking completely flummoxed. 

“I should have told you. About Ben. I know I should.” Her bravado falters a little as she says their son’s name.

Their son. The words take on a different meaning now he’s finally here in person.

“Kara…” Lee moves forward so he’s perching on the edge of the armchair. “I’ve been thinking about that a lot, you know.”

A quip about his over-thinking rises to her lips in automatic reflex, but Kara holds it back. It’s not the time. 

“About what?”

“About whether I would have told you, if it had been the other way around.”

“And what did you decide?”

“That I wouldn’t. After what happened between us the night of the funeral.”

Any vestige of humour or lightness drains out of her at the mention of that night. Kara still doesn’t like to think about that night, much less talk about it.

She can tell from the look on Lee’s face that he shares her repulsion, but he forges ahead.

“I think you hated me that night. For being alive when he was dead, and wanting me anyway.”

“I did.” 

She doesn’t soften it. They never pulled punches between the two of them. 

“And I think you hated me. For passing him, and killing him, and wanting me anyway.”

“I did.” 

He doesn’t soften it either.

All those ancient emotions suddenly seem to be throbbing in the air between them. Her throat clogs as she tries to speak.

“That night was so...it kills me sometimes, when I look at Ben, to think that he came from...from that. All that pain and anger and hate. He’s so amazing...it seems so wrong...”

“I know.” She realises that Lee is blinking back tears. “We nearly tore each other apart. I think if I’d hadn’t left Caprica, we would have done. That’s why…” She watches as he struggles to recover his voice, battling the urge to touch him. “I think it’s better that you didn’t tell me then. If you had...if I’d come back...we would have destroyed each other, and probably destroyed him too.”

“We would.” 

It hurts to say it, but she knows he’s right. They couldn’t handle being around each other back then, flailing in their guilt and grief. All they would have done is drag each other down.

“I’m still sorry, though, that I wasn’t there for you,” Lee says, and she has to turn away from the concern in his eyes. “It must have been hard.”

“It was. But...in a way, it was the best thing that could have happened as well. It gave me something else to focus on, made me sort myself out.”

“Is that why...you chose to keep him?” Lee’s voice is almost a whisper.

“Well, that and I thought I’d killed enough Adamas for one year.”

He moves then, so quickly it takes Kara by surprise. She blinks, and he’s kneeling in front of her, grabbing her hand.

“Kara, it wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you for his death. Please believe me.”

“Lee...”

“You made a mistake passing him, but you weren’t alone. We all made mistakes, me, my dad, my mom, because we loved him. None of us wanted to hurt him.” He stares into her eyes, his grip tightening on her hand. “That’s what I want to apologise to you for. That I didn’t get in touch and tell you that I was wrong to blame you, and that I didn’t any more.”

Kara’s surprised by how much his words affect her. It took a lot of time, and a lot of support, but she came to terms with her part in Zak’s death and stopped blaming herself years ago. She had thought forgiving herself was enough. She hadn’t thought she needed Lee’s forgiveness too, hadn’t realised how much she needed to hear the words until he said them. Tears spring to her eyes.

“Lee…” 

Kara needs to be closer to him. She slips off the sofa to kneel next to him, and puts her hand on his shoulder. He stares at her, and she feels him trembling under her hand, ever so slightly. Then she leans forward, and he moves to meet her, and his arms come round her as they hug.

Kara realises that she’s shaking too, and buries her face in his shoulder. This is something else she remembers. The comfort and security the circle of his arms always gave her, even when she didn’t want it.

Gradually their trembling eases. Their breathing steadies. They draw apart, slightly embarrassed, swiping tears from their eyes.

“We’d better drink our chocolate,” says Lee, retreating back to his armchair. “It’ll be getting cold.”

They drink it slowly, looking at each other almost shyly.

“I can’t believe we got through that without either of us yelling,” Kara says.

Lee half smiles. “Me either. Have you got into meditation, or something?”

“Years of therapy.”

He laughs, and she shoots him a glare. “I’m not kidding, Lee. I mean it literally. Years of therapy.”

“Oh.” His face sobers immediately. “How did that...I wouldn’t have thought it was your thing.”

Kara smiles ruefully. “Neither did I. But that first year after Zak died...losing him was tough, and becoming a mom was even tougher. It brought back a lot of bad memories for me, about my childhood.” Lee simply nods, but she can see the understanding in his eyes. 

“Before...I always had my coping mechanisms. Alcohol. Fighting. Frakking the wrong people.” Lee flushes and looks away, and Kara mentally kicks herself. She ploughs on. “All things that I didn’t want to do, after I had Ben. It wasn’t the kind of mother I wanted to be. So I knew I needed some new coping mechanisms, and I started seeing a therapist. Still see her, in fact.”

“I thought you seemed...different.” Lee frowns, as if trying to put the right words together. “Not mellow, exactly, or serene, because you’ll never be either of those things.” Kara snorts appreciatively. “More...secure in yourself I guess, at peace with yourself. So what are your...coping mechanisms now?”

“Flying, mainly,” admits Kara. “That’s why I do these off-planet jobs regularly. They give me a bit of freedom, time to myself, new places to fly and test my skills.” She pulls a face. “Until now, they’ve always been straightforward trips.”

“I suppose you can’t plan for an earthquake.” Lee puts down his mug neatly on a coaster. “I went to see a grief counsellor, a few years ago. It helped me sort out some things. Made me realise casting blame didn’t help anyone.”

He still hadn’t got in touch with her or his father to say that though, thinks Kara. Maybe he’s let go of his bitterness over Zak’s death, but she wonders if he’s actually dealt with any of the underlying issues. He’s surprised her this evening, though, with his willingness to talk rather than snipe at her. Maybe he has changed. 

“It obviously worked, your therapy,” says Lee, looking a little awkward. “You’ve done an amazing job with Ben. He’s a great kid.”

“He is, isn’t he?” Kara can feel the smile beaming across her face, the way it always does when she thinks about her son. “He’s so...curious, so interested in everything.”

“Has he always been like that?”

“Oh yes. Led to a few sticky situations when he was a toddler. I still think he might have eaten a beetle when I wasn’t looking.” Kara grins, remembering.

“Tell me about it.”

“Oh, it’s only a silly story-”

“Tell me.” There’s an edge to Lee’s voice that makes her look towards him. “Please, Kara, tell me. I want to know everything. All the silly stories.”

_ Everything I missed _ , the expression in his eyes says, and Kara’s guilt forms a hard lump in her stomach.

So she tells him the story, and then another, and another, and after a while, the guilt fades, and she starts to enjoy telling them, because it becomes clear that Lee is as fascinated with Ben, and every small detail of his life, as she herself has always been. Maybe that’s why she hoarded all these stories, polished her memories, so that one day she could pass them on to him. 

It can never make up for not being there, though. She knows that, and finds herself apologising to him again, as her stories finally run low, and the hands on the clock creep towards midnight. 

“I should have told you about him, Lee. Once everything settled down. I don’t really have any excuse, or any reason for it, apart from being afraid.” She hugs her knees against her chest, unable to look at him.

She hears him sigh. “If I’d got back in contact with Dad. If he’d told me about his grandson. Would you have told me the truth then? That he was my son?”

“Yes.”

Another sigh. “I’m not sure why I needed to ask that. I know you would have. You named me on the birth certificate. You arranged for me to be his guardian. I want to thank you for that.”

That startles her into looking at him. “Why?”

“Because it shows me that you trusted me with him.” His eyes burn with such intensity that it almost feels as if they’re scalding her face. “Trusted me to look after the most precious person in the world to you, if you couldn’t any more. And that...it shows me that you never hated me completely.” 

“Of course I didn’t.” She can’t keep her next question back. “Did you?”

“Never,” he breathes out, and the strength of her relief surprises her.

“Kara, I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt, that you never told me, or that I don’t wish I had found out sooner, but...I feel like we have a second chance now, you and me and Ben. To be parents to him together. And I don’t want to screw that up by being bitter. I’ve spent enough years holding grudges.”

She can see his sincerity in every line of his face, hear it in every tone of his voice. Maybe meeting Ben, facing the reality of being a parent, has changed him, as it did her. Maybe they do have a chance to rebuild their friendship, to work together as parents. 

Gods, she hopes so.

Excitement and trepidation build in her chest, as if she’s just launched her viper from the tubes.

“Let’s give it a try,” she says, and smiles. 

\---

Ben crawls into her bed some time during the night, and when Kara wakes up in the morning, he’s snuggled up against her. She lays her head next to his and breathes in his familiar, comforting scent. For a moment she’s afraid this is all a dream and she’s going to wake up in a freezing tent on Aquaria, and she has to close her eyes.

“Mom.” When she opens them again, Ben’s awake and smiling at her as excitedly as if it’s his birthday, or the first day of the holidays. “You’re still here.”

Kara pulls him to her tightly. “Of course I’m still here.”

They lie there quietly for a few minutes, accepting the reality of each other’s presence. Kara nearly dozes off again, when she hears a loud thud from downstairs. She lurches upright, thinking someone’s in the house, braced for trouble, until memory floods back and she realises it must be Lee.

“What’s wrong, Mom?”

“Nothing.” Kara lies back down. “I forgot your dad was here. Sounds like he’s in the kitchen.”

“I told him last night he should make waffles and bacon for breakfast. Because they’re your favourite.”

Their eyes meet, and they share an identical smug grin.

“I forgot what a good wingman you make.” Kara holds up her hand for a high five.

\---

Breakfast is...strange. The fact that Lee knows exactly where everything is in her kitchen is strange. The easy way Ben calls him Dad is strange. The way Ben pesters Lee to take him swimming later and Lee tells him only if he promises not to run by the side of the pool again is strange.

It’s even worse because she’s obviously the only one who feels strange. Ben and Lee have been living here together for over a month now; this is all normal to them.

On the plus side, she gets a cooked breakfast without having to make it herself, and it’s excellent, because Lee made it and compulsive perfectionist Lee is good at nearly everything he sets his mind to.

They start to eat, and Kara stares at Lee’s plate. “Aren’t you having any bacon?”

Lee flushes, and hunches his shoulders as if bracing himself, as Ben says, “Dad’s a vegetarian.”

“A vegetarian? Since when?”

“A few years now,” Lee mutters. He starts cutting his waffle into neat pieces. 

“Why?”

“Meat consumption creates a huge carbon footprint. Eating vegetarian is much better for the environment, and there are lots of health benefits…”

Kara waves her fork to cut him off. “Hold it there. I get enough lectures from your son.” 

Ben’s whole face beams as she says those last words, and her heart contracts. She scrabbles to remember what she was saying.

“Of course, that’s what you do now, isn’t it Lee? Fight for the environment against greedy corporations...you never can do things by halves, can you?”

Lee glares at her, and she can’t stop grinning. Oh, the fun she is going to have with this…

Kara spears some bacon with her fork, holds it up to her face, and inhales exaggeratedly. “That’s some commitment, Lee, giving up bacon. I couldn’t do it.” 

She pops the bacon in her mouth, and chews it slowly, making loud satisfied noises and smacking her lips, keeping her eyes fixed on Lee all the while.

He’s steadfastly ignoring her, but she can tell he’s trying not to smile. Ben is looking between them with bright eyes, giggling uncontrollably.

“Oh, that was good,” says Kara, picking up another piece of bacon. “Sure I can’t tempt you back to the light, Lee? It’s never too late-”

His napkin hits her dead on the nose.

“No throwing at the table, Lee,” she scolds, as it flops down onto her plate. “I dread to think what bad manners you’ve been teaching Ben while I’ve been away.”

Ben howls with laughter. Kara tries to keep a straight face, but she can’t, because Lee’s laughing with his whole face, and his eyes are shining, and she can’t hold out against that. 

Everything still feels strange, but maybe she likes this strange.

\---

Lee gives in to Ben’s pleas, and takes him off swimming, giving Kara a bit of time on her own to settle in, and then after lunch he offers to go food shopping and give her some time on her own with Ben.

“I’ll pick up some pizza for dinner,” he suggests.

“Sounds good.” Kara grins and elbows him. “So that’ll be cheese and tomato, or maybe the dizzying heights of vegetarian deluxe for you, and Ben and I can have pepperoni like sensible people.”

“How long is it going to be before you get tired of this?” 

“Oh, at least a week. Maybe more.”

Lee sighs heavily, but his eyes are warm and amused on hers. “That’s what I thought.”

As he’s leaving, he sticks his head in the lounge where they’re playing cards, and asks Ben what kind of pizza he wants.

“Getting forgetful in your old age? I told you, he’ll have pepperoni.”

Lee ignores her, looking at Ben. “Is that what you want, Ben? Or do you want something else?”

Ben shoots her an awkward look, but then he asks for ham and pineapple, and Lee nods and leaves.

Kara frowns at the closed door, and turns to Ben. “What was that all about?”

Ben hides behind his cards. Kara thinks he’s going to ignore her, but after a moment he says, “Dad and I have a deal.”

“A deal? What kind of deal?”

“If he asks me what I want, then I tell him the truth.” Wary hazel eyes peer at her round the cards. 

Kara doesn’t understand. “Why wouldn’t you tell him the truth?” 

“Because...sometimes it’s easier, not to say what you want.”

Kara puts down a card, thinking it through. “I thought you liked pepperoni pizza.”

“I do.” Ben picks up a card, then hides behind them again. “But I like ham and pineapple better.”

“Why do you always have pepperoni then?” It’s their habitual order.

“Because pepperoni is your favourite. And I don’t mind it.”

Kara stares at her cards. She’s lost track of the game. “But I’m quite happy to eat...you know what, I think Lee has the right idea. Next time, just say what you want.” 

She thinks about it while Ben takes his next turn, and then pushes aside his card barrier. “In fact, why don’t we make the same deal?”

“I’d like that,” says Ben, although he looks nervous. “But you won’t...you won’t be cross if you don’t like what I want?”

“No,” says Kara, but nine years of hard-learned experience force her to qualify that. “Well...within reason. If you say you want to dive off the high board at the pool or something, I’m not going to just roll with it.”

Ben grins, much to Kara’s relief. Part of her mind is still working through all this. “Is that part of your agreement with Lee too?”

“Yes, and he meant it. Even when I told him I wanted you to be here instead of him, he didn’t mind.” 

He says it matter of factly, but Kara sees the sadness that seeps into his eyes, and her heart breaks to think of all the pain she put him through. She hugs him, figuring they both need the comfort.

Ben clings to her like a limpet for a few minutes, and then he starts complaining she’s squashing him, so Kara starts tickling him, and soon they’re rolling on the floor giggling, the cards forgotten.

\---

The next week is awkward. It’s been just her and Ben for so long, in this house; she has her familiar routines, and having Lee there too throws everything off-kilter. 

Cautiously, they negotiate a new arrangement that suits all of them. They’re both careful to make sure the other has time alone with Ben, and time to themselves, and Kara has to admit she enjoys the extra flexibility and freedom.

As the days pass, however, they end up spending more time all together, the three of them. Kara likes to watch Ben’s enthusiasm as he shares all the places he likes to go and things he likes to do with Lee, and Lee’s quieter but equally enthusiastic response. She learns more about Lee’s life with Ben around, because Ben wants to know all about his new found father and being Ben, he asks lots of questions. Questions that Kara wouldn’t ask, and Lee possibly wouldn’t answer if she did, but he answers Ben, and she gathers more information than Lee probably realises about his friends on Aerilon, and his colleagues at the law firm, and his time qualifying as a lawyer, and his cases, and what he does in his spare time. A couple of times she overhears Lee talking to Ben, and realises he’s doing the same in return, asking Ben questions about her life, and it gives her a warm feeling that’s only slightly uncomfortable.

In the evenings, after Ben’s gone to bed, she and Lee sit in the lounge together. Sometimes they talk about Ben, sometimes they watch TV. Often they end up playing video games, usually motorsport races trying to knock each other off the top spot. Sometimes they’ll sit in near silence, reading or catching up on emails. 

It’s almost like it used to be, back in the old days when they were friends, but there’s something different. It takes Kara a while to identify what it is. One evening, they’re watching a movie, some cop drama, and Lee is sitting next to her on the sofa, alternating between laughing incredulously and explaining to her how that evidence would never get through court. Kara looks at his loose, sprawled body and smiling eyes and realises what has changed.

Lee is relaxed. When she thinks back, he was never completely relaxed around her, not really. Even when they were joking with each other, even when they were drinking, even when they were half asleep, there was always a reserve in his eyes, a tension in his body. When she thinks back some more, she knows exactly what the reason for that was, or rather who it was. Zak.

Back then, they were always three. Even if Zak wasn’t in the room with them, he was always there; at the end of a phone, or driving to meet them, or in his jacket draped on the back of her sofa, his toothbrush in her bathroom, always there in both their minds. They were three, and they couldn’t forget that. After their near-disaster that first evening, Lee had always been on his guard, making sure he never stepped over the lines, keeping that small but vital distance between them.

Now Zak is gone, so long gone that even his ghost has faded, and Lee...he isn’t moving towards her, but he isn’t holding her away any more. He’s lowered his guard, and if she wants to, he’ll let her step closer.

If she wants to.

\---

It would be all too easy to get lost in this little bubble they’ve created, as if the three of them are a real family, and things are a lot simpler than they actually are.

Kara doesn’t need a fantasy bubble. She has a good, solid, real life she’s built for herself in the last ten years. She makes a good living doing the thing she loves most, and gets to be her own boss, choosing to work in interesting places with people she likes. She’s found her own family to replace the shitty one life dealt her, with the Old Man, Karl and Sharon and their kids. She has Ben, and being his mother is simultaneously the hardest and most rewarding thing she’s ever done. She may not have a long-term relationship, but she’s dated several kind, attractive, perfectly nice guys and parted from them all on good terms. She prefers her own space anyway. She’s in a good place, and she’s happy, and she needs to reconnect with that.

She invites some of her buddies from the fleet reserve over to catch up. It’s a fun evening; none of them knew her or Lee in the old days so there are no awkward questions, and Lee slips back easily enough into fleet language and customs when chatting with them.

Her next plan is to get together with the Old Man, but Lee suggests spending the day with him before she does, which renders Kara speechless for at least a minute. She half expects him to take it back and say he’s joking, but instead he rings his dad and arranges it all directly. 

When Bill arrives, it’s awkward and stilted at first, and the careful way Lee and Bill circle around each other is almost painful to watch, but they don’t collide in the way Kara’s afraid they will. In fact, when the two men go outside to inspect Ben’s bug hotel, and then throw a ball around with him, the tension gradually drips away. She begins to see what Karl meant about Ben forming a bridge between them.

When Bill leaves, he hugs first Ben and then Kara and finally Lee. She can see how startled Lee is, but he doesn’t pull away. He tentatively claps his father on the shoulder, and they arrange to meet up again the following week.

“Well done,” Kara risks saying as they stand in the doorway. She is braced for a verbal slap, or for Lee to walk away, but he waves to his father as he gets into his car, and says very quietly, “I missed him. I didn’t think I did, but I missed him.”

\---

That weekend, the temperature soars as the summer heat finally kicks in, and Kara arranges a trip to Cyclade Beach with Karl and Sharon and their kids. It’s been one of their favourite summer day trips since the kids were tiny, but there’s an extra layer to it, bringing Lee, because the first time she ever went there was with him and Zak. 

The brothers had been going to Cyclade Beach since they were kids, and they’d wanted to show it to her. They’d ducked each other in the water and chased around the beach flicking sand in each others’ faces, and eaten too much ice cream, and when evening came they sat on a bench eating fish and chips, and then staggered from one beach-front bar to the next until all three of them were so drunk that they collapsed together and slept on the beach, waking in the morning shivering and damp and covered in sand. It was one of the last times they were all together before Zak died.

Lee doesn’t say anything when she tells him where they’re going, but it’s obviously on his mind, because when the Agathons arrive to pile into Kara’s van, which is the only vehicle big enough to hold them all, he isn’t ready. He stares at his watch as if it’s betrayed him and runs in and out of the house, gathering everything they need.

Ben watches him with his mouth falling open. “Dad’s not ready,” he says, in the same way he might say that the sky is green.

Kara puts a hand on his shoulder. “It doesn’t happen often, but even your father can be disorganised like a regular human being on occasion. Enjoy the sight while you can.”

They grin at each other in shared appreciation.

Karl and Sharon pack their kids and assorted baggage into the van, while Kara checks the petrol tank is full. She pokes her head through the open window to yell as Lee finally closes the door behind him.

“Lee, have you got the-”

He holds up the thermos flask of coffee in answer. He starts to lock the door, and then turns.

“Kara, did you pick up-”

She pulls out the giant bag of cheesy crisps from behind her seat and waves it at him. 

“Get over here, Adama, and stop wasting our valuable beach time!”

Kara enjoys the drive. The roads are busy, and even this early the sun is beating down, and Lee has turned on some gods-awful cheesy pop radio instead of her usual heavy metal, but she’s back home, back with all the people she loves, going for a trip to her favourite beach on a glorious day. The kids love the cheesy pop and know all the words to the songs, and they’re so busy singing along they forget to moan about the lack of air conditioning in her van.

The traffic gets busier as they get closer to Cyclade Beach. It seems everyone has the same idea they had, and Kara begins to worry they won’t find anywhere to park. Lee gets out his phone and starts searching, muttering something about a place he and Zak used to park back in the day, if it’s even there any more…

“It is still there. Kara, take the next right.”

She follows his directions down back lanes so tight she can barely squeeze the van through, round a crazy one way system, and he leads them triumphantly to a car park only five minutes walk from the beach, which not only has free spaces but a space big enough for her van.

The day only gets better from there. They spend the first few hours in the sea, floating and splashing and having water fights, trying out snorkels and playing ball. They dry off building a giant sandcastle with a moat that winds all the way to the waterline, and bury the kids in the sand.

They have lunch at their favourite cafe. Kara’s coffee is piled with so much whipped cream that she can’t resist flicking some in Lee’s face. Ben looks torn between glee and horror, tipping over into glee when Lee picks up the bottle of ketchup on the table and squirts it back at her. Kara recruits Ben as her ally, and all three of them have messy faces and stained t-shirts by the time Sharon calls them to order with mock sternness, one eye on the waiting staff.

Back on the beach, the Agathon kids start dam construction while Ben drags Lee off to the rockpools to look for crabs. Kara takes the opportunity for a solitary swim, floating on the water while the sun beats down on her face, enjoying the gentle ripples of the waves around her and the immensity of the sky above.

Kara dries off and goes to get ice cream, judging that Ben’s enthusiasm for rock pools will be waning soon. When she returns, she can see them heading back across the sand, and stops for a moment to watch them, unable to resist the opportunity to look her fill at Lee unobserved. It should be illegal for anyone to look that good in swimming shorts.

She’s halted a few steps behind Karl and Sharon, and hears Sharon say, “Were they always like that?”

“Like what?” 

“So weirdly...in sync.”

Karl chuckles, rubbing sun cream into Sharon’s back. “Oh, you mean the finishing each others’ sentences thing?”

“Yeah. It’s bizarre. And then the cafe order.”

“What about it?” 

“Lee didn’t ask Kara what she wanted, but he still came back with exactly what she orders every time we go there.”

Oh. Kara looks down at the ice-creams in her hands and realises she’s done the same thing. Ten years, but she still knows which ice cream Lee would pick.

Karl shakes the sun cream bottle. “I guess they were always like that. Seemed to just get each other on some level. It’s even worse when they play sports. If Kara suggests beach volleyball later, don’t let them be on the same team.”

Sharon takes the bottle from him and rubs cream into her arms. “It is weird. When I met Lee...I couldn’t picture them together, you know? He’s so uptight...”

“Yeah, I know. He eases up when she’s around.”

“No kidding. If you had told me a month ago that I’d be watching him having a food fight in the middle of a cafe...” Sharon bursts out laughing, and Karl joins in.

A grin spreads across Kara’s face. She knows she should step forward and interrupt, but it’s interesting to hear what her friends think of Lee. She hopes they’re starting to look beneath Lee’s stiff exterior and realise how much more there really is to him.

“What struck me though,” Sharon continues, “is the way Kara acts around him.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, in the car. He changed the radio station.”

Karl chuckles. “Thank all the gods. I love Kara, but her taste in music sucks.”

“Yeah, but would you get in her van and change the station without even asking?”

“I’m not that foolhardy...oh.” There’s an odd note in Karl’s voice. “I see what you mean.”

“She bitched at him for five solid minutes, but she let him do it. And then when we get here, he says he knows a good spot to park and gives her directions and she follows them! Without arguing! I thought I’d strayed into an alternate reality.” They dissolve into laughter again.

“Well,” says Sharon, recovering, “it explains why all the dates I’ve set her up with have never lasted for long. I didn’t realise she went for the quiet repressed type.”

Kara finally moves forward, something tightening uncomfortably in her chest. She’s heard enough.

She can’t meet Lee’s eyes when she gives him the ice cream, but it passes. She won’t let her strange reaction to Karl and Sharon’s gossiping take the shine off the day. She takes revenge on them by insisting on beach volleyball, her and Lee and Ben against the Agathons and beats them soundly.

As dusk falls they sit on a bench facing the sea, eating fish and chips. They must be close to where they sat all those years ago with Zak, and as her eyes meet Lee’s over Ben’s head, she can tell he’s thinking the same thing, and that he’s missing Zak as much as she is. It’s oddly comforting.

He puts his hand over hers along the back of the bench, and she doesn’t pull away.


	4. Part 3

The following night, when Kara’s putting Ben to bed, he fixes her with a serious expression.

“Mom…”

“Yes?” He looks nervous, so she settles herself on the edge of his bed and smiles. “What do you want to say?”

“I...I wanted-” 

Kara tries to encourage him. “Come on, you can tell me. We have a deal, remember?”

“I want to do swimming instead of pyramid next term,” he says in a rush.

Kara is suddenly glad she is sitting down, because she wasn’t prepared for this.

“I thought...don’t you like pyramid any more?”

“Of course I still like pyramid. I always will but...but I like swimming too, and my teacher said I was good enough to be on the team, but I don’t have time to do both.”

“No.” The timetables would clash. “How long have you been thinking about this?”

“Most of the school year,” Ben mumbles, looking down.

Kara’s going to ask why he didn’t say anything before, but then she realises that she knows. Because she coaches his team, and pyramid is something they have always done together, and he didn’t want to upset her. He would rather give up something he wants to do than upset her.

“Ben.” He’s still staring at the bedcovers, so Kara reaches out and tips up his chin, making him look at her. “You can join the swimming team if you want. It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” His eyes are wary.

“Yes.” A thought occurs to her. “You know, you don’t have to give up pyramid completely. You could be our reserve player, and then you can play in the matches you can attend. Would you like that?”

“Yes.” His smile explodes, and he launches across the bed into her arms.

Downstairs, Kara finds herself telling Lee about it and the look in his eyes, mingled relief and pride, tells her exactly how much he has already come to care about Ben.

It also makes her wonder if he already knew about the swimming team. The idea that Lee and Ben might have secrets she’s not aware of is painful, but she knows that she’s going to have to get used to sharing Ben with Lee, to them having their own relationship without her.

When she asks Lee if he knew, however, he shakes his head. “Well...I put it together, from things he’s let slip, but he never said anything outright. I’m glad he talked to you about it. I’ve been hoping he would. I didn’t think you would be as upset as he obviously thought you would be.”

“I am a little upset,” she admits, “but it’s more important that he’s happy. If swimming makes him happy, then that’s fine. I wish he’d told me sooner, instead of stewing over it all year.”

“Hopefully this will be a big step towards getting him to be more open about what he wants.”

“He told me about your deal, so I tried the same thing. Seems like it’s working.” Kara looks at him with a mixture of curiosity and chagrin. “How did you know? That he was hiding things because he was worrying about upsetting people? I didn’t see it.”

“Maybe it’s easier to see from the outside. And…” Lee looks away, folding into himself. “And it’s something I used to do. When I was his age.”

\---

One morning Lee gets a phone call and goes outside to answer it. When he returns, his barriers are up and his gaze shifts away every time Kara looks at him..

Kara ignores it, keeps making sandwiches for their trip to the park. If she asks who called, he’ll only get defensive.

It takes longer than she expects, but eventually he sighs and gives in.

“That was my mom.”

Not what Kara expected. Her hands still for a moment, cutting the bread. “What did she want?”

Lee shifts from one foot to the other. “Kara...you probably won’t like this, but while you were away, I let Mom visit Ben.” He rushes on before she can say anything. “It wasn’t for long, and I was there the whole time, I didn’t leave her alone with him-”

“Lee.” Kara puts down the breadknife, realising she needs to focus on this. “That’s fine. She is Ben’s grandmother.”

“Yes, but she said she’d contacted you asking to see Ben, and you never replied.”

“That’s true. Your dad told me she was drinking.” Kara still might have considered a supervised visit, if Caroline had made more effort than two half-hearted emails that were easy enough to ignore.

“She’s not drinking now.”

“You sure about that?”

“Sure. I know the signs. Believe me, I’d be able to tell if she was, even over video call. There’s been nothing for three years now.”

“Video calls?” Kara turns towards him, frowning. “You’ve been in contact with her?”

“Well, yeah.” Lee looks confused. “Emails mostly, but we call a couple of times a year.”

The pieces click together in Kara’s mind, and she could kick herself as she realises he’s kept in contact with Caroline all these years, that she’d had an indirect way to tell him about Ben after all.

“And your mom never mentioned Ben?”

“No, but she wouldn’t if you refused to let her see him. She doesn’t like to show a weakness.”

Kara’s puzzled. She’s only met Caroline a couple of times, and Lee hardly ever talked about her, but Zak said enough that she knows exactly how inadequate a mother Caroline was. Falling as short as a parent as Bill did, in her own way. So why didn’t Lee cut her off too?

“Anyway, Mom wants to visit tomorrow. Not for long, of course, she always has a packed schedule.” Lee’s mouth twists bitterly. “Things slide if she doesn’t keep busy. I told her I’d have to ask you.”

“It’s fine with me if it’s fine with you.” Kara knows better than to get drawn into this. She’ll make sure she’s there to keep an eye on Ben, anyway.

There’s an odd look on Lee’s face, but he nods and goes outside to call Caroline back.

\---

Caroline’s visit is timed for mid-afternoon, which is unfortunate, because Kara can feel the tension within Lee building higher and higher with every hour that passes. He won’t admit it, so it only gets worse, expanding to fill every inch of the house and rubbing against Kara’s nerves until she wants to go outside and scream. She takes Ben to the park instead.

When they get back, Lee’s no better. Every word Kara utters is met with silent distraction or monosyllabic replies. She wants to call him on it, but it’s difficult with Ben there. Kara wonders why the hell he agreed to let his mother visit if it triggers this kind of reaction.

Caroline is punctual, much to Kara’s relief. She’s on edge, greeting her - Lee’s mood has got to her more than she realised - but Caroline is smooth and polite, her conversation bland but inoffensive. They have tea and biscuits, and Caroline talks to Ben in a slightly stilted but perfectly unobjectionable way, taking an interest in his drawings. It would almost be normal apart from the way Lee is surreptitiously watching Caroline, as if she’s a bomb that might explode if he looks away for a moment. 

When Ben gets bored Kara seizes the opportunity to take him out into the garden, telling herself that Lee should have some time alone with his mother. The sun’s brighter than she expected, so after ten minutes of screwing up her eyes against the glare, she goes back inside to get a hat.

Kara stops dead when she overhears the conversation in the lounge.

“What are you still doing here, Lee?” Caroline’s voice is sharp and incisive, a distinct contrast to her earlier bland tones.

“I spoke to my partners. I don’t have to be back on Aerilon until-”

“Not on Caprica. I mean in this house. Kara’s been back over three weeks now.”

“She had a tough time on Aquaria. It helps to have an extra pair of hands around.”

Caroline laughs, with a patronising edge that makes Kara’s teeth grind together. “Really? She managed quite well on her own for nine years, Lee.”

“And I want to spend as much time as I can with Ben.”

“You can still see plenty of him without actually living in the house. I’m sure Kara would like her space back.”

Lee doesn’t reply for a moment. Kara holds her breath.

“If it bothered Kara, she would definitely tell me,” he says, with a wry humour in his voice that loosens the tightness in Kara’s chest. “What are you really trying to say, Mom?”

“Simply this; stop trying to kid yourself,” says Caroline, every word as smooth and sharp as an icicle. “Ben may be your son, but this isn’t your home, and Kara sure as hell isn’t your wife. You need to focus on your own life, Lee, and stop trying to vicariously live Zak’s for him.”

It has been years since Kara had such a visceral urge to punch someone in the face. Her fist clenches and tightens, and she thinks later that it’s the greatest professional accolade her therapist could ever have that she manages to unfold her fingers. 

Instead she walks into the lounge and tells Lee that Ben wants him outside. Lee looks startled, but he goes without protest. His worried gaze brushes over her as he passes, obviously trying to work out whether she overheard.

Caroline has no such doubts. There’s an amused, almost satisfied look in her eyes as Kara sits down opposite her. She lifts her chin, as if preparing for battle.

“You must have a very low opinion of me,” Kara says softly, “if you think I’m trying to use Lee as a replacement for Zak.”

“On the contrary, Kara, I have the greatest respect for you.” Caroline smiles gently. “After all, you managed to get both my sons - my very different sons - to fall head over heels for you.” Something sharp and dangerous flares in those soft eyes. “That’s quite a feat.”

The words sting, but Kara knows it’s not showing on her face.

“Lee is welcome in my house for as long as he likes.”

“I’m sure. But is it really in his best interests for him to be here?” Caroline leans forward, as if imparting a confidence. “You’ll cut him loose eventually, and he’ll find it hard. He always takes things too seriously, feels everything too intensely, and it gets him in way over his head.”

The maternal concern seems convincing. It might even be partially real, but it sounds to Kara more as if she is blaming Lee for his shortcomings. Kara knows all about a mother who masks her malice as concern for her child’s spiritual well being.

“What I really don’t understand,” she says, looking at Caroline with cool detachment, as if she is a species of exotic animal, “is why Lee cut his father off for all those years, but kept in touch with you.”

“Oh, that’s easy.” Sardonic amusement blooms across Caroline’s face. “Despite all their arguments, Lee knows deep down that Bill loves him. But he’s never been quite sure about me.”

\---

“Your mother had to leave,” says Kara, as she steps out into the garden. Lee looks round in surprise, and the pyramid ball hits him square in the face, much to Ben’s amusement.

“What did you do?” he hisses in her ear a few minutes later, when Ben has popped inside to get a drink. “You didn’t-”

“I didn’t touch her, and I was perfectly polite,” says Kara, with her most innocent smile. “All I did was make it clear that she had outstayed her welcome.”

“You heard what she said, didn’t you? I’m really sorry-”

“You don’t need to apologise for her.” Kara can hear the bite in her voice. “Gods Lee, your mother is...a piece of work.”

He looks away. 

“You get used to her.” His voice is tight and carefully even.

“Do you?” 

Kara keeps her eyes laser focused on his face, and after a few moments he breaks, and turns.

“No.”

She recognises the expression on his face with a painful clarity.

“I never told you about my mother, did I?”

“Not really.”

That night she does. 

That night he tells her more about his mother than Zak ever did. Maybe Zak didn’t know all of it.

Before Kara goes to bed she tucks the card for her therapists’ practice under his laptop. In the morning, it’s not there. She’s not sure if that’s a good or bad sign.

\---

What is a bad sign is that Lee’s obviously thinking too hard. He’s abstracted for the next two days, that little frown line constantly hovering down the middle of his forehead. The second evening, after Ben’s gone to bed, he walks into the lounge and says they need to talk, and Kara braces herself.

“I think it’s time I moved out.”

“Lee…” There’s a hollow feeling in her stomach. “Your mother was trying to cause trouble, you know that.”

“I know. But that doesn’t mean she wasn’t right.” He makes a poor attempt at a smile. “That’s the worst thing about her, she usually is..”

“Well, you were right too. If I didn’t want you here, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell you.”

Lee doesn’t grin back as she expects him to. “Unless it was for Ben.” 

“He’d be devastated if you left.”

“I wouldn’t go far. There’s a B&B in the next street. I can spend just as much time with him, while giving you more space.”

Kara searches for a safe way to tell Lee not to go. She wants him to stay, and it’s not only for Ben’s sake. She likes having another adult around. Someone to share the chores, and laugh with over Ben’s latest obsessions. Someone to back her up when Ben’s being difficult, and to support her enforcing boundaries. Lee caught Ben going over his agreed screen time a few days ago and banned him for the rest of the day. Ben stormed off to his room complaining how unfair Lee was, while Kara tried to conceal how glad she was that they both felt comfortable enough with their new relationship to behave like that.

“I don’t need more space,” she says finally, struggling for a better argument.

“You can’t like having all my stuff cluttering up your office. Or me tidying up and re-organizing everything. Or sharing a bathroom. Or having me hanging around here in your way every evening.”

Kara doesn’t know what to say. Because of course, the truth isn’t merely that she likes having another adult around, or someone to co-parent Ben, the truth is that she likes having  _ Lee _ here.

She likes teasing him about being a civilian pen-pusher, or about his bleeding-heart environmentalism, or about the absurdly neat way he eats, or...anything really, as long as he ends up sending her that look of fond exasperation she cherishes. She likes making a mess around the house, for the pleasure of watching him sigh heavily and efficiently restore order. She likes challenging him to the dumbest video games she can find, knowing that his innate competitiveness will always transform it into a fight to the death. She likes watching him listen to Ben talking about insects or sea creatures with careful attention, prompting him with questions, and then meticulously researching information on his laptop in the evening so he has questions ready for the next day. She likes timing her trips to the bathroom carefully so she can catch him walking across the landing in only a towel, pleasurable torture though it is.

She doesn’t want to lose any of those things yet. She’s well enough aware that all this has an end date looming anyway. 

Of course. That’s the way to handle this.

“Maybe if it was permanent, Lee, but this isn’t going to be forever. There’s what...four weeks until term starts? Ben will be back at school, and I’ll be stepping up my workload, and you’ll...be going back to Aerilon.”

Silence. He’s retreated back behind his blank mask again, but his eyes are nervous. 

“Actually, I’ve…I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. What would you think about...me moving back to Caprica?”

Kara stares at him, joy blazing inside her like a supernova. She wants to grin and high five him. She wants to laugh and slap him on the shoulder. She wants to hug him and say it’s the best idea she’s heard all year. 

She doesn’t do any of those things. She doesn’t want to influence him on this. It’s a decision he needs to make on his own.

“Lee, your life is on Aerilon.”

“Yes, and I’ve been happy there, but things have changed. I’ll miss my friends on Aerilon, but here I’ve got family. Ben, and my dad, and...and you.” He breaks off awkwardly, looking away from her, and Kara flushes.

“What about your job?”

“There’s no shortage of environmental issues on Caprica.” Lee looks back, his balance restored. “I’ve been asking around, and there’s a few firms who might be interested in taking me on as a partner.”

“It’s still a big change. Are you sure?” Kara feels she has to push him, make sure he’s serious about this. “Living on Aerilon won’t stop you seeing Ben. He can come out every school holiday-”

“No. It’s not enough.” Lee’s eyes are shards of ice, his tone uncompromising. “I’ve lived through that, and I don’t want it for Ben. I want to be there in his life every day. I’ve missed half his childhood already.”

Kara’s not expecting it, and it stabs straight through her. She gasps at the impact, and Lee looks stricken. 

“Kara, I didn’t mean-” Suddenly he’s sitting next to her, taking her hand. “That wasn’t a dig at you, I promise.”

His eyes have softened, and she can tell he means it. “I guess that’s going to be a sensitive spot for a while.”

“So, what do you think?” Lee’s hand tightens on hers. “Should I move back?”

The hopeful look on his face, the suppressed excitement in his eyes, is making Kara breathless. She feels unsteady, and she struggles for balance.

“If you’re sure it’s the right thing for you, then you should do it. Ben will be overjoyed, and your dad will be pleased, even if he doesn’t come out and say so.” Kara pulls her hand out of his and gets to her feet, pretending she doesn’t see the disappointment that flickers across his face. “You want a beer? We should celebrate.”

She escapes to the kitchen, feeling like she’s dodged a bullet. She’s not ready for this, not yet. Not ready to say anything that might commit herself, not ready to trust him. It’s only words. He could still walk away.

\---

Lee stays. There’s no more talk about moving to the B&B. He goes out a few times for meetings with law firms in the city, dressed in sharply creased suits and crisp collared shirts that make her yearn to rumple him up. Kara hears him making calls to estate agents and removal companies, and starts to let herself believe that he meant what he said about being in their lives permanently.

Kara uses the time he’s away to make plans of her own, but one afternoon she slips up. Lee returns early from a meeting while she’s out in the garden with Ben, and when she comes back into the kitchen to finish the email she was writing, he’s staring at the screen of her laptop, his hands frozen on his half unknotted tie.

“Now you  _ are _ invading my space,” Kara snaps, and slams the laptop closed, but it’s too late.

“You’re planning another flying job? Off-planet?” Lee’s voice is carefully level, but she’s not fooled.

Still, she keeps it casual, hoping to head him off. “I haven’t got long left to fit one in before term starts and my schedule fills up. I’ve got a couple of options-”

“You can’t be serious.” 

Kara hasn’t missed that tone, not at all. 

“Oh, I’m completely serious,” she hisses.

Their eyes lock. Kara can feel the tension between them soaring, but Lee’s face is still eerily calm.

“Kara, your last job almost got you killed.”

“That was an earthquake, Lee!” She throws up her hands in frustration. “An act of the gods, a once in-a-lifetime freak occurrence. It’s not going to stop me flying again.”

“I’m not saying it should, but does it have to be off-planet?”

The contrast between his carefully reasonable voice and the hard points of his eyes is throwing her off-balance. She makes herself shrug.

“Off-planet jobs pay better. I factor them into my income.”

“If it’s about money, I can-”

“Don’t you dare,” Kara snaps, off a sudden flare of anger. “I can pay my own way, always have. I don’t need handouts from you.”

“I’m not suggesting you do, I only thought...Kara, why does it have to be now?”

“I’ll have too many other commitments once school starts back.” And she doesn’t want to leave it too long after Aquaria, for both herself and Ben. If you crash out, you pull yourself up and get straight back in the cockpit, that’s always been her motto. 

“And what about Ben? How is he going to feel?”

Kara stares at Lee in disbelief, feeling her determination to keep this civil shatter. 

“Don’t go there, Lee. It’s none of your business.”

“Of course it’s my business.” He steps forward into her space, his pretence of calm draining away. “I’m his father.”

“Yes, for all of three months!” She steps forward to meet him, so they are nearly nose-to-nose.

“Three months where I had to watch him worry about you, comfort him when he was crying because he was scared you weren’t going to come back...you can’t put him through that again!”

The words stab into that old well of guilt and self-loathing that is still always lurking deep inside her, but Kara shakes it away.

“I’m not going to put him through anything. I’ll pick a dull, safe job that will only be for a few days. He won’t even notice I’m gone.”

“Yes he will.” Lee’s voice is low and urgent. “You can’t do this to him, Kara, I won’t let you.”

That last sentence triggers the explosion. Kara embraces the anger almost with relief, her voice rising.

“You won’t let me? Who the frak do you think you are?” She jabs a finger towards his face. “You have no right to interfere in my life, none at all.”

“I’m-”

Kara cuts him off, knowing what he’s going to say. “Yeah, you’re Ben’s dad, but only thanks to a stupid mistake we made when we were both too frakked in the head to know any better. That means nothing!”

Silence. The look in Lee’s eyes is raw and jagged, and Kara’s instinctive surge of satisfaction at having hurt him is followed by shame, because she shouldn’t have brought up that night of Zak’s funeral. 

“I thought we were friends,” he finally forces out, and she laughs.

“Friends? I haven’t had so much an email from you in the past ten years.”

Suddenly Lee’s rolling from the punch, back in the ring. “Are you trying to pretend you would have replied if I’d sent one?” Every word is edged with icy contempt. “We both know you wouldn’t, because then you’d have had to stop being a frakking coward, and tell me I had a son!”

The force of it almost makes her head snap back. “Lee…”

“If the earthquake hadn’t happened, you’d never have told me, would you?”

“Oh, frak you!” Betrayal slices through her, sharp as a razor. “You promised me. You promised me that first night that you weren’t going to hold a grudge over this. I should have known better than to believe you.”

Another silence. This time it’s Lee who looks ashamed, but again, he rallies.

“Well Kara, you told me that  _ you’d _ changed. That you’d improved your coping mechanisms. But here you are, planning a risky flying job because you need the release, without a thought of how it’s going to make Ben feel-”

Kara can’t stop herself from clenching her fist. Her arm starts to rise. Lee sees the movement and laughs mockingly. “Thought you didn’t use that coping mechanism either?”

She won’t let him force her to lose control. She won’t. She’s fought too many years to conquer this. Kara swallows down her fury, lowers her arm.

The gesture seems to bring Lee back to himself, and he moves away. He pulls on his jacket with sharp movements and snatches up his briefcase.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving.” He spits out the words. “What do you care, anyway? Like you said, there’s nothing between us.”

He storms out, slamming the front door so hard that all the pictures on the wall shake.

\---

Kara takes a long, shuddering breath, and then realises with horror that Ben is standing behind her, his face pressed against the patio door. 

He must have heard them. They weren’t exactly being quiet. She moves to open the door, and Ben steps back, leaving a damp imprint on the glass.

Kara opens her arms, and he hurtles into them. His whole body is shaking, and she tries to soothe him.

“It’s okay, Ben. Your dad and I had an argument, that’s all.”

“You were shouting.” 

“Could you hear what we said?”

Ben shakes his head and Kara feels a flood of relief, remembering what she said about it being a mistake that Lee’s his father. She’s always been so careful what she says around him. She can’t believe she was so foolish, but then she hasn’t been that angry for a long time. She forgot how easily Lee has always been able to push her buttons.

“Don’t be upset, Ben. Your dad and I fight sometimes. We always have. It will blow over.”

“But Dad’s gone.” He looks up at her, mouth trembling.

“He’ll come back.”

“Maybe he won’t.” The stricken look in his eyes tells Kara that this is what has really upset him.

“He will. He needs to cool down, and then he’ll come back.” 

Kara infuses her voice with confidence, but Ben shakes his head.

“Maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll go back to Aerilon.”

“No, he won’t. Lee wouldn’t do that to you.” 

Besides, their argument hadn’t been bad enough for that. Too much shouting. If it had been really serious it would have been much quieter. Like the night of Zak’s funeral, when they’d wounded each other so deeply, there had been nothing left to say. 

Lee will come back.

\---

He’s not back by dinner time. Still not back when it gets dark. Still not back by Ben’s bed time. With every passing hour Kara can see the panic growing in her son’s eyes, and her fury quietly builds.

When Lee finally comes through the door, he’s pale and tired, dark circles under his eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not me you need to apologize to,” Kara snaps with lethal sharpness, gesturing upstairs. “He’s been terrified all evening that you weren’t going to come back.”

Guilt floods across Lee’s face. “Oh gods. I didn’t think…”

“No, you didn’t. Go upstairs and see him. He’s not asleep.”

It’s a long time before Lee comes back downstairs. The look on his face might make Kara feel sorry for him if she wasn’t so furious. At least he’s ashamed of what he did.

“He’s asleep now.” Lee slumps in the armchair. “Kara, I’m sorry for what I said earlier.”

“I know you are. So am I. But that’s not the point.” 

Lee starts to say something, but she cuts him off. This has to be said, and she’s not going to let him divert her with apologies.

“You were very quick to talk about my coping mechanisms earlier, Lee, but what about yours? We both know what it is; you walk away. You lash out as hard as you can with words, and then you walk away.”

Kara pauses to let it sink in. Lee’s mouth is set hard. She can see he wants to reject what she said, but he doesn’t.

“I don’t care if you do that to me. I can take it. But you can’t act like that around a child, especially one who is already scared that you’re going to disappear from his life as suddenly as you came into it. Why is he so worried about that, anyway?”

Lee closes his eyes, looking immensely weary. “Because of what happened between me and my dad. Because I was angry with him and walked away, and didn’t come back for years.”

Kara takes a long breath. She doesn’t want to kick him when he’s down, but she has to say this.

“You asked me if I thought you should move back to Caprica. If you’re going to do that, if you’re going to be in Ben’s life permanently, then I have one condition. You have to talk to someone, like I did. Sort out your coping mechanisms. Because I won’t have you hurting him again, or letting him down.”

“I don’t want that either,” Lee says, his voice splintering into jagged shards. “Kara, I’m sorry.” His face is full of self-loathing, and she sympathizes, but it’s not enough.

“Did you take the therapists’ card I left for you?”

He nods.

“Use it, then. If you’re really sorry, then do something about it.” She stands up. “I’m going to bed.”

\---

The next day Lee asks if he can take Ben out on his own. They’re gone all day, and when they come back the trouble has disappeared from Ben’s face. His eyes are clear, and he’s chatting happily away again. 

It turns out they went to the Natural History museum, which explains why Lee looks dazed and exhausted. His ears must be ringing from listening to Ben’s non-stop questions all day. Kara doesn’t sympathise. It’s the least he deserves.

Ben shows Kara a message app on the tablet he uses for school. “Dad says whenever I want to talk to him I can send him a message and he’ll reply as soon as he can.” 

“That’s a good idea.” She has to give Lee points for that.

“And he said…” Ben is almost bubbling, excitement flooding out of him, and Kara knows what Lee must have told him. “Dad said he has to go back to Aerilon to sort some things out, but then he’s going to move here, to Caprica City, and I can see him whenever I want. Isn’t that amazing?”

“Amazing,” agrees Kara, thinking Lee had damn well better stick to his decision now. She thinks he will, though. He’d been thoughtless yesterday, but she knows he didn’t mean to hurt Ben. Lee’s good at hiding things, but he doesn’t try to hide how much he loves his son; it shines through whenever he looks at him.

She and Lee circle warily around each other that evening, but to her surprise he tells her he’s booked an appointment with a therapist for the next day.

Kara half expects him to back out, but he heads off at the appointed time, and that evening he closes his laptop when she comes into the lounge and asks if they can talk.

“Of course. How did it go today?”

“Good.” Lee pulls a face. “Well...maybe that’s not the right word. It was tough.”

Kara grins, remembering her first weeks of therapy. “Sounds about right. Hardest thing I ever did, but it was worth it.”

“Yeah, I can see that. Even this one session has been useful. We talked about the fight you and I had the other day.”

“Lee...we can move on from that. We both apologised.”

He shakes his head, his face determined. “I need to explain. The reason I got so angry...I was afraid, and I didn’t want to admit it.”

“Afraid of what?”

Lee takes a long shuddering breath. “That you might go on this new flight and not come back. And I know...I know it’s ridiculous. Like you said, the earthquake was a freak event. But when you were gone, I was so afraid.” His voice dwindles to almost a whisper. “Afraid that I’d lost you for good.”

Kara blinks in surprise. “You hadn’t seen me for ten years.”

“I know, but part of me never believed that was the end. I always thought I’d see you again.”

Their eyes meet, and Kara’s heart contracts painfully, because if she’s truthful, she felt the same way. Part of her was always waiting for them to come together again, even if she never made any move towards him.

_ Godsdamnit _ .  _ All these years, I was fooling myself. I still love him. _

“And if something happens to you, then the only parent Ben would have is me. And I don’t think I'm up to it. I screwed up yesterday, and it wasn’t the first time.” 

Lee’s voice cracks completely, and Kara can tell this is the heart of it.

She leans towards him. “Lee, give yourself a break. You’re still new to all this. You know, the scariest day of my life was the day I brought Ben home from the hospital. Suddenly being solely responsible for this tiny person...I didn’t feel up to it either.”

“Sounds like the first day I brought him back here and spent the whole day on my own with him. I was terrified.”

“But I got through it, and so did you. Because we’re the stubbornest people I know.”

That makes him chuckle, much to her relief. “I’m not sure that’s the best qualification for being a parent.”

“Yes, it is, because it means you keep trying, and if you make a mistake, you pick yourself up and try again.” Kara shifts down the sofa closer to him. “You’re doing fine, Lee. You spend time with him. You listen to him. You make him laugh, and you’re firm with him when he needs it. And...and I can see how much you love him.”

“I do.” He blinks, swiping a hand across his eyes. “That day, the first time I saw him...I thought then I’d never felt anything so intense in my life, and now that I know him it’s...overwhelming.”

Kara wraps her hand in his, almost without thought. “I know. It’s so huge, it almost crushes you. It used to scare me, how much I loved him, but it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Lee’s hand turns to grip hers tightly. “That’s why I have to get this right.”

Kara can’t help chuckling. “Take it easy, Mr Perfectionist. All you have to do is your best. And your best will be fine, because our childhoods taught us what not to do.” She strokes her thumb across his palm. “I didn’t turn into my parents, Lee, and you’re not going to turn into yours.”

She leans her forehead against his shoulder, and strokes her other hand down his back, waiting while he regains control of his breathing.

“Lee,” she says, when he’s calmed. 

“What?”

She lifts her head to look at him. “I...I didn’t mean it, you know. When I said there was nothing between us.”

“Oh Kara, I know.” Those brilliant blue eyes are the softest she’s ever seen them. “That’s always been our problem, hasn’t it? That there’s something between us. If there was really nothing, our lives would have been infinitely easier.”

They stare at each other. His mouth twitches, and so does hers, and they both laugh.

“I’ve got a suggestion,” Lee says, when their laughter has died down, “about your off-planet job. Were any of the options on Aerilon?”

“There were a couple.”

“I need to go back to Aerilon anyway, sort out a few things. Maybe we could all go. Then Ben could stay with me while you’re away on your flight, and if he’s worried...if  _ we’re _ worried,” he amends with a self-deprecating smile, “we can contact you easily on the same planet. What do you think?” 

Kara sends him her widest grin. “I think that you’ve actually had a good idea. Rare event, but it does happen.”

He grins back. “Maybe it’s because I’ve got you around again to kick some sense into me.”

\---

The trip to Aerilon is arranged, and Kara was right in thinking it was a good idea, particularly for Ben. He’s so excited about going on his first trip off Caprica with both his parents, that the prospect of Kara going away for a few days on a flight seems to wash right over him. Kara’s sure there will be a few wobbles closer to the time, but it does seem to be a good way to ease back into it.

In the week leading up to their departure, Kara does a lot of thinking. Serious thinking. It must be the effect of Lee’s proximity.

He’s made the commitment she asked him to. He’s going to regular therapy sessions. He’s resigned from his firm on Aerilon and signed a contract with another in Caprica City. He’s looking for a flat within easy reach of her house.

Kara thinks it’s time she matched that, showed that she’s prepared to take a risk too. Yes, she has a good life, a perfectly happy life, but she can admit now that she wants more, and she’s finally prepared to gamble for it.

The end result of all her thinking is that a couple of days before they’re due to leave for Aerilon, Kara arranges for Ben to stay overnight with Karl and Sharon. They drop him off after breakfast, and she tells Lee they’re going out for the day, refusing to tell him where.

Kara drives out to the north of the city, fields spreading out around them, flat as a board to the wide horizon. She watches Lee out of the corner of her eye, and sees him spot the sign a moment before they both hear a familiar rumble overhead.

“Are we going to the airfield?” 

The look on his face is everything she hoped it would be, and she lets her own excitement bubble up. “Course we are. You said you’d kept up your civilian licence.”

“Yeah.” Lee looks almost dazed. “Really?”

“Really.” Kara sends him a cocky grin. “Up for a challenge, Apollo?”

He looks startled. She wonders how long it’s been since anyone used his old callsign.

“Oh, bring it on, Starbuck.” He smirks, and Kara matches it, feeling that old familiar rush of anticipation.

They barely speak as they finish the drive to the airfield, too busy watching the planes. Kara parks in front of the reception building.

“Have you ever taken Ben up?” Lee asks, as they get out of her van.

“Once.”

“Only once?” 

Kara nods. “He said it was fun, but...it didn’t grab him. Not like it does us. I could tell. He’s never asked to go up again.”

Their eyes meet, and she snorts with amusement. “I know, I know. If I hadn’t endured that thirty hour labour, I’d be wondering if he was adopted.”

That makes him wince. “Thirty hour labour?”

“Yep. Believe me, at that point I completely hated you.” She punches his arm. “Come on, Apollo. We’re wasting good flying time.”

Nothing else ever really measures up to flying a viper for Kara, but atmospheric flight has its own attractions, especially on a day like today. Bright sunshine, clear blue skies and a light breeze; perfect flying weather gifted by the gods. 

Atmospheric flight with Lee by her side is even better. It always seems wrong to Kara that they never got to fly vipers together for real. She wonders sometimes what it would have been like if things had gone differently, and they’d ended up on the same battlestar. In fact, this is the first time she’s ever flown with him in a real plane of any kind. All their flying together was virtual, a few sessions in viper sims when he was visiting Zak, and she managed to use her instructor privileges to sneak him in.

Kara’s never forgotten those sim sessions. Their head-to-head challenges had been a rush, the exhilaration of a worthy opponent, who made her work harder to beat him than anyone else ever had. The sessions she enjoyed the most, though, were when they were on the same team, battling simulated cylons. There had been an odd familiarity between them from the start, anticipating each others’ moves, adjusting their own to mesh with barely a word exchanged, instinctively covering each others’ backs. “That weird in-sync thing”, as Sharon called it. It’s always been at its keenest when they’re flying. 

A tiny part of Kara was afraid they might have lost that, after all these years apart, but they haven’t. If anything, it’s even stronger now they’re flying for real. They race each other, spin in formation, challenge each other to complicated manoeuvres, banter and insult each other over the comms.

She doesn’t want it to end.

\---

Kara’s buzzing afterwards, riding on the high of adrenalin, and so is Lee; she can see it in the gleam of his eyes, the width of his smile.

“That was…” 

“Awesome? Amazing? Magnificent?” she supplies.

“All of those things. Thanks for going to the trouble of organising this.”

“Oh, it was a real hardship.” Kara rolls her eyes. “Glad my brilliant plan was a success.” 

They’ve reached her van, and she stops, leaning back against the driver’s door, heat flaring through her as she looks at his arms, bared in the sun. She lets a smirk cross her face. “Maybe next time you’ll do a better job of keeping up.”

“Oh, I’ll leave you trailing in my wake,” he quips back automatically, and then pauses, looking more serious. “Next time?”

“If you want to.” Kara takes a step towards him, runs her hand down his arm.

“Oh, I want to.” Lee’s staring at her mouth. She recognises the look on his face from the aftermath of those old sim runs, and this time she can do what she wanted to do then.

Kara leans forward, and kisses him.

For a moment Lee doesn’t move, and she tenses, waiting for him to step away. Instead his hands come up to grasp her arms. He opens his mouth and she slips her tongue inside, and he growls and pushes her back against the van door. She slides her fingers into his hair, pulling him closer.

It’s everything she remembered. Blazing and shattering and all-consuming, but there’s something else, something new in the way his hands move upwards to gently frame her face, in the way his mouth explores hers, a tenderness and affection that she doesn’t remember him showing her before.

They draw apart, breathing heavily. Lee tries to joke, but she can see she’s knocked him off balance.

“Was that...was that part of the plan too?”

Kara strokes her fingers gently along his jaw, grinning. “Why do you think I asked Karl to have Ben overnight?”

Again, she’s braced for him to step away, but he smiles at her with the same tenderness he showed kissing her, and her heart turns over in her chest.

“I’ve always admired your tactical planning.” This time it’s his mouth that descends over hers.

It’s at least twenty minutes before they manage to leave the car park.

\---

Kara always drives fast, but she makes it back home in record time. She’s afraid that if there’s too much delay, if Lee has too much time to think, he’ll change his mind. Or maybe she’ll lose her nerve.

She parks in the drive and turns off the engine, and there’s an endless moment of silence while she stares through the windscreen. Then she feels Lee’s hand on the side of her face, nudging her to look at him.

“Kara...are you sure about this?” All his defences are down. She can see that he wants this as badly as she does, and that he’s equally nervous about it.

Kara lifts her hand to cover his, and nods. “I’m sure.”

She wants him. She wanted Lee Adama from the moment she met him, and has wanted him again from the moment she saw him get out of his car outside Karl’s house, and the only time she’s ever had him was on the worst day of her life, and she can’t bear to remember it. She wants to change that.

“Lee.” She holds his eyes, trying to let him see what she’s feeling. “Can we...can we pretend this is the first time?”

She can see he understands what she’s trying to say, that she wants to make new memories to heal the pain and the guilt of that night, good memories to wash it all away. 

He nods.

\---

Their new first time doesn’t take very long. Lee’s obviously been bottling up as much desperation to touch her, these last few weeks, as she has to touch him, and as soon as the door closes behind them, as soon as their lips meet, all that pent-up frustration explodes, and they’re tearing into each other. Clothes go flying over the hall floor, and they barely make it to the sofa.

Their new second time lasts much longer. The first urgency over, they move to her bed and explore each other properly, taking their time to discover each other in a way they’ve never had the peace or space to do before.

Through both times, the fast frantic time, the slow savouring time, there’s one constant; that new tenderness in the way he touches her, the way he kisses her, that she felt at the airfield. She mirrors it, gives it back to him, her heart swelling, and it’s that mutual affection, the care they show for each other, that does what she yearned for, and wipes the memory of their old first time away.

“This is the first time I’ve been in here,” says Lee afterwards, as they lie in her bed wrapped around each other, her head on his shoulder.

“Didn’t you snoop when I was away?”

“It didn’t seem right.”

“I would have.” Kara snickers, and feels a laugh rumble in his chest.

“I know you would. You never had any manners.” She pokes him in the ribs, and he squirms away.

Lee falls quiet, and Kara realises he is looking at the small table by the window, with its careful selection of photos.

“It’s a good picture of him,” he says, looking at his brother standing on Cyclade Beach, on the edge of the water, with his trademark infectious grin.

All the lightness has gone out of his face, and Kara wonders if this will shatter what has finally happened between them. She gathers all her courage and asks the question.

“Do you feel guilty?”

Lee looks away from the photo, back at her. “I do, for what happened then. I think I always will. But not for today.” He reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, and smiles at her almost shyly. “I don’t...I don’t think he would mind, after all this time. He loved us both, you know.”

Kara closes her eyes on a wave of relief. Maybe they will always be three, in some way, but maybe it doesn't matter. 

“I don’t think he would mind, either. He would have wanted us to be happy.”

“And are you?” Lee sounds nervous. “Are you happy about this?”

“Yes.” Kara opens her eyes, and watches the answering flood of relief cross his face. He stares at her, a determined light sparking in his blue eyes.

“I love you too, you know,” he says. “I think I always did, although I could never...I tried to bury it, you know? But it was always...and then...do you remember you slipped over, that first night here, in the kitchen, and I caught you, and I looked in your eyes, and...and I knew then that I still loved you, and it’s never going to change.”

A lump builds in Kara’s throat with every word he says, clogging with so much emotion that she can’t speak. Lee looks away, his face flushing, and she reaches out as he did in the car, turning his face gently to look at her. What she can’t say must show on her face, because his eyes soften in wonder.

“I remember. It’s the same for me,” she says, forcing herself to speak, to be as brave as he is. “I love you, and it’s never going to change for me either.” She tries to smile, to break the tension. “Guess you’re stuck with me now.”

“Guess I am.” Lee leans in to kiss her, his eyes shining, and before long they’re into their new third time, and as he slips inside her, as they move together, instinctively matching each other as always, Kara feels a sense of rightness, something falling into place.

“Have you started looking for somewhere to live here yet?” she asks later, as the shadows lengthen across the room.

“Started. Not found anything.”

“Good. You don’t need anywhere. This is your home now, if you want it to be.”

“Of course I want it to be.” Lee shifts to lay his head next to hers, looks into her eyes. “You and me and Ben, that’s all I want now. But are you sure?”

“Stop asking me that. I’m sure.” Kara grins and swats his shoulder. “Where else am I going to find a hot guy who’ll make me bacon for breakfast even though it’s against his vegetarian principles?”

Lee smirks. “Maybe I’ll convert you.”

“To being a veggie? I don’t think so.”

“Is that a challenge, Starbuck?” There’s a mischievous light dancing in his eyes, and her answering smile is blinding.

“You’d better believe it, Apollo.”

“Challenge accepted. As long as there’s no time limit. This could be a long game.”

“I’m counting on it.” Kara twines her hand with his. “The longest game we ever play, and we’ll both win.”

  
  
  



End file.
